Adult Jokes 1

Adult Jokes
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The Schmidlaps wake up one day and Mrs. Schmidlap says, "Last night I had a dream that they were auctioning off male parts. Big ones were $100 and small ones were $10. Mr. Schmidlap says, "What about something like mine?" Mrs. Schmidlap replies, "They were giving those away." Mr. Schmidlap responds, "Well, I had a dream myself. I had a dream that they were auctioning off female parts. Small ones were $100 and big ones were $10. Mrs. Schmidlap says, "What about something like mine?" Mr. Schmidlap replies, "That's where the auction was held."
	A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "yes she did". "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
A hunter was hunting through the woods, when he suddenly saw a bear up ahead in the clearing. He raised the gun to his shoulder and fired. When he got to where the carcass should have been, there was no body. Then he felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to face a HUGE bear with a quite angry expression. The bear says, "I'm sick and tried of you hunters shooting at me all the time. Now you are going to blow me RIGHT NOW or I'm going to maul your face off!" Well, what else could the hunter do? He certainly wasn't going to live this down, so he buys a bigger gun and returns the next day. Again, he sees the bear. He fires the gun. BANG! Again, no body; again, a tap. "You know the routine," said the bear, "On your knees." Now, the hunter is really mad. He buys an elephant gun and goes back. Again, he sees the bear. He fires the gun. BOOM! Again, no body; again, a tap. The bear shakes his head and sighs. "Tell me the truth, you're not in this for the hunting, are you?"
	Two gentlemen with necks of red were down in Louisiana chewing the fat over experiences they'd had while hunting out in the woods. The topic turned to mishaps, accidents, and pain. One allowed as how he'd had a terrible thing happen to him once while out possum hunting: "Yas - I was squattin' down to take a shit in the weeds, and a bear trap closed down on my balls. That was the second-worse pain I ever felt!" "The second-worse?" his friend said. "What was the first worse?" "When I ran out of chain."
This lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."
	One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, daddy." He replied, "How'd you know?" The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off! Angrily, the woman tosses it out the car window. Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away with her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his 12-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey." The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
	A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The Doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit all!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT'!!!"
One day at lunch, little Johnny asked one of the kids at school a question. "If you woke up in the middle of the forest, covered in KY Jelly, naked in a sleeping bag, and your ass was killing you, would you tell anybody?" "No, I'd be embarrassed," said his friend. Little Johnny asked, "Wanna go camping?"
	One day an old man went to the Barber shop. While he was waiting to be served, a punk rocker came in and sat next to the old man. The punker had the usual mohawk hairdo, dyed with just about every color of the rainbow. The old man couldn't help staring at the punker, and after a few moments the punk finally said "Do you have a problem, old man?". The old man said "No, I don't have a problem". The punk said "You know, I'm young, and I'm allowed to do some wild crazy things. I'll bet that when you were young, you did some wild things yourself!". The old man thought for a moment and said "You know, you're right. I did one wild thing when I was young, and that scares me to death." "Why does that scare you" the punk asked. "Well I once fucked a parrot, and that means that you might be my son!"
It seems there was this newlywed couple who (original opening #34) decided to forsake all sex during Lent (the 40 days before Easter). Problem #1: This means 40 VERY long nights. Problem #2: They made the mistake of publicizing their intention. They ended up sleeping in separate rooms, locking doors, and avoiding each other completely. Easter morning finally dawns, with the wife awakening to a series of thunderous knocks on her locked bedroom door, knocks so forceful that the door panels are cracking. Ripping off her night clothes as she pulls the heavy crossbar back, she calls out, "Oh, John, I know why you are knocking!" "Yeah!", he replies, "but do you know what I'm knocking with?"
	A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!" Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!" The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep the hell away from my wife!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?" "None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
	Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."
A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says "All the guys on this side of the bars are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is understandable silent. He then chugs back another beer and says "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is silent again. Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man. "You got a problem, buddy?" "No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
	Q: "Why don't roosters have hands?" A: "Because chickens don't have tits!"
Little Johnny came running into the house crying his eyes out and cradling his hand. "Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" he wailed. "Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked mom. "I pricked my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away." said Little Johnny. Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured him a glass of cider. Little Johnny immediately dunked his hand in it. "Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" whined Little Johnny. "What are you talking about?" asked his increasingly perplexed parent. "Well I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!"