animal jokes

Animal Jokes
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A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead. "Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?" The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage. "Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead." Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?" "That will be $330." the vet replied. "I don't believe it!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330????" "Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
	One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where chicken little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "...And so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' " The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said - 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!' "
A farmer was sitting on the bottom step of his porch eating a sandwich when a hen zoomed by with a rooster in hot pursuit. Suddenly, the rooster slammed on the brakes, slid to a halt and began pecking at the crumbs from the sandwich. "Damn," muttered the farmer, "I hope I never get THAT hungry!"
	It seems that Pauly had a particularly foul mouth, even for a parrot. This caused his owner no end of embarrassment. Oftentimes one of her friends would say something and Pauly would exclaim, "Horseshit!" She was mortified over the things Pauly said, particularly when he would take the Lord's name in vain, which he did pretty regularly. Finally, she put her foot down after listening to his bad language once too often. She said, "Pauly, I've done everything I know to break you of this awful, dirty language you insist on using. I'm going to try one last thing. The next time you say a swear word, I'm going to lock you up in the freezer as a punishment." To this Pauly said, "No shit?" Into the freezer he went. Twenty minutes later, Pauly's owner got him out of the freezer and said, "There, I hope you've learned your lesson! What do you have to say for yourself?" Pauly, blue and shivering, asked, "Just what the fuck did that turkey say?"
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quits working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way; don't worry about my Bulldog, he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" When the repair man arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bulldog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business. The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
	All the attention on the tropical storms reminds me of the time that a tornado tore through the farm and slammed grandma's rooster up against the barn and stripped every feather of the poor beast. He was bare and shivering in the cold and grandma felt powerful sorry for him. So she got a pair of grandpa's old bib overalls out of the rag bag and cut them down and sewed them up to fit the old rooster. We asked her, "Grandma do you know how funny your old rooster looks runnin' around in them bib overalls?" And grandma said, "It ain't half as funny as watchin' him hold down a chicken with one foot while he tries to get them straps off with the other".
There was this farmer who had this rooster that he used to fertilize all the hens he had and one day this rooster died. So the farmer went to town to get a new rooster and the man that sells the roosters says to the farmer, I've only got one rooster left, but you don't want him, he screws everything. The farmer says, well that's all right, that is what I want him for. The man says, no, you don't understand. This rooster screws anything and I mean anything. The farmer says, that's okay, I'll take him. So the man says okay and sold him the rooster. The farmer took the rooster and the whole way that rooster was squirming and trying to get loose, and as soon as they got to the farm and the farmer let the rooster go, that rooster went straight into the hen house and screwed every hen in there and came out with feathers flying everywhere. The rooster grabbed the dog, screwed it, grabbed the cat, screwed it and took off into the fields. The farmer was just watching in amazement as the rooster started screwing the goats, cows, horses, and on and on. Finally later that evening, the rooster came running by the farmer headed out to another area of the farm and the farmer grabbed him and told him, if you don't slow down you are going to die. Well, the rooster didn't even hesitate, he just took off and started screwing the rest of the farm animals. The farmer got sleepy and said aw the hell with him and went to bed. The next morning, the farmer got up and went outside and that rooster was laid out on the ground right in front of the house. The farmer walked over to him and bent over and said, I told you if you didn't slow down you were going to die.... The rooster opened one eye up real slow and said, shhhhh, buzzards!
	This farmer had a sick cat and called the Vet in town to see what could be done for it. The Vet asked the farmer what the problem was. After being told the Vet told the farmer to give it a pint of castor oil. The farmer asked "A whole pint," and the Vet replied "sure that'll fix it right up." The next day the Vet saw the farmer in town and asked him how the sick calf was getting along. "You fool!" the farmer exclaimed, "That wasn't a calf, it was a cat." The Vet said "Oh my goodness, did you give it the whole pint of castor oil?" "Sure did" the farmer replied. "What happened, where's the cat now" asked the Vet. The farmer pointing said "The last time I saw that cat, he was going over yonder hill with five others, two were digging, two were covering up and one was scouting for new territory."
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it." "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?" "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator. "Hm. Well, where do you catch' em?" "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch' em?" "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite' em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat' em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing' left but lips and a briefcase..."
	A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?" She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit.
The monkey and the elephant are bosom buddies. Walking thru the jungle one day, the elephant suddenly steps into a large pool of quicksand. The monkey, desperate, looks around and suddenly spies a shiny new Mercedes parked under a coconut tree. He takes the keys from the ignition, opens the trunk and finds a length of large rope which he ties to the bumper of the Mercedes, then throws one end to the elephant and pulls him out. The elephant is eternally grateful and now they are bigger pals than before. A few months later, they are walking thru the jungle when the monkey falls into a small pool of quicksand. The elephant looks around, without success, for a Mercedes. Finally, seeing that the pool of quicksand is small, the elephant straddles the pool. The monkey grabs the elephant's prick and pulls himself to safety. The moral of this story is: If you have a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes.
	A man walks in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo, and soon he is face to face with a husky specimen. After staring each other down for a moment, the man scratches his head in boredom, to see the gorilla repeat the action. The man wags his hands from his ears, and the gorilla responds in kind. Then the man feels a spec in his eye and pulls down his eyelid. Instantly, the gorilla pulls the bars apart, and beats the man into pulp. He wakes up in the zookeeper's arms. "What HAPPENED??" I don't know...I was just playing monkey-see with a gorilla, and he escaped and did this." "What did you DO to cause this?" "All I did was pull my eyelid down." "Oh, don't EVER do that. That means 'fuck you' in gorilla talk!" The man is taken to the hospital and slowly recovers. All the while he plots his revenge. When he is well, he returns to the gorilla cage and faces the culprit once more. He performs a few gestures, which the ape repeats. Then he pulls out a salami, holds it between his thighs, and starts cutting it with a sharp knife. The gorilla watches him for a moment, and pulls down his eyelid.
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying, DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Animal Jokes