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This is a list of phrases cat owners should get their naughty pets to write on a blackboard a la Bart Simpson. If you could get them to write... Send more suggestions to Harold Reynolds, harold@atm.dal.ca First posting: September 20, 1993. Latest update: [March 31, 1994]. A * indicates additions/changes from the previous posting.
A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, *my poop.
2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 a.m., bed at night, TV
3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen
4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers
5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls
6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food
7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet; *Dad's condoms
8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's toes, baby, human, *blue jays outside
9. [xxx] is not cat food.
Chocolate, bananas, pizza, *any human food
10. [xxx] is not a bed.
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the people's wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer, the inside of the antique radio
11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons; toilet
paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes; my human's penis (see "Robin Williams, Live at the Met"); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce ripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; *my poop; *any food, whether wrapped in something or not
12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.
13. I will not hump the [xxx].
Mommy's clean laundry; Uncle Peter's pillow; the foot of Grandma's bed; on top of the washing machine; on the arm of the sofa; any damned place in the house that's soft enough. (This is NOT a joke--my sister's cat Pesto, aka Gingy, did EXACTLY this sort of thing for several months before, and even after, being neutered.)
14. I will not jump onto the [aaa] to knock over the [bbb] or I will be [ccc]
(if they can ever catch me, that is).
aaa - fireplace mantel, counter top, window box, entertainment center
bbb - wedding album, vases, dishes, house plant, curios
ccc - scolded, locked in the basement, (shot, punted, terrorized)* *(These are jokes! I only THINK of doing these things. God, how I think of these!
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