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Sometimes, running an Internet mailing list just isn't the party that some people seem to think it is. For the most part, yes, it's great fun. But it has it's moments, as every listmom can attest -- and for these "moments," we can often thank some of the less intellectually gifted among us.
It was in this spirit that some humor-minded person started the "Duh!" awards on one of my list-management mailing lists. As embattled list owners, most of us were able to contribute a tale of woe (or two) to the thread. One of the best accounts to date was contributed by Stephanie da Silva, a veteran listmom (note that the "CL" here can be interpreted to mean "clueless"):
CL: Please unsubscribe me from your mailing list.
Me: Before I can do this, you'll need to tell me the name of the list.
CL: I don't know....
Well, that one was a tough act to follow -- but I chose among a few favorites of mine, and responded with a rather memorable one that, at the time, was actually starting to get me annoyed. Bear in mind, I do not mind helping people who are genuinely having problems subscribing and/or unsubscribing; there are often very good reasons for this, such as server name changes. However, I draw the line at sheer stupidity -- and trying to blame me and/or the server for one's own incompetence crosses that line. So, enter "Clueless" ...
<start of "Duh!" award
CL: I'm trying to unsubscribe from your mailing list, but your instructions do not work.
<Note to subscribers: Any correspondence suggesting that the instructions I've been using, unmodified since last October, "do not work" will certainly be placed into the LART pile. What does "LART" mean? Read on ...
Me: Huh. They seem to be working for most everyone else who has unsubscribed recently. What seems to be
the problem?
CL: It says there's no such list.
Me: <repressing urge to say, "Well, then you don't need to unsubscribe, do you?" You are probably typing something wrong. Could you please send me the EXACT command that you are sending to the server?
<Since this is a PG-13 list, I'll delete all expletives from the rest of her correspondence; they really add nothing, anyway.
CL: I KNOW HOW TO USE A LISTSERVE! (sic) Just take me off your list! It's not my fault that your instructions are wrong!
Me: The instructions seem to be working just fine for everyone else; plus, it's not a ListServ, it's a ListProc. Now, please send me the EXACT command that you are sending to the server.
CL: I don't have to put up with being belittled by you!! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TAKE ME OFF THE LIST?
Me: Several reasons: (1) I'm not your mommy, (2) since you are writing to me from [name of college], I assume that you are a big girl now, and are old enough to be able to learn how to do this correctly, (3) you apparently got ONTO the list by yourself, you theoretically should be able to get yourself OFF the list in much the same manner, (4) in the unlikely event that there really IS a problem with the server, I probably should know about it, and (5) if I give you a fish, I feed you for a day (insert rest of quote). Now, just ***send me the command that you are sending to the server*** or you will simply have to figure it all out on your own. I'm trying to help you; work with me here, okay?
<At this point, we pause to note that the command, as included in the Welcome message in TWO places, and in the trailer of every list mailing, is simply "unsubscribe humornet".
CL: I'M SENDING EXACTLY WHAT YOU PUT IN THE INSTRUCTIONS, but it isn't working. So just take me off your list!
Me: Look, I'm only going to ask this ONE more time: Send me the exact command that you are sending to the server. No rants. No complaints. Just send me the command. Is that too much to ask?
CL: <much ranting about my belittling her deleted, but she *did* finally send the command ...
unsubscribe humornet, <name of clueless person
<more ranting deleted AND DON'T EVER WRITE BACK TO ME AGAIN!
Me: <Wondering exactly how I'm supposed to tell her that she screwed up without writing back to her. Look up her phone number? Oh wait, that's the point, isn't it? She doesn't WANT to hear that she screwed up. All the more reason to write back. Okay, here's your problem: You placed a comma after the word "humornet"; you'll note from the instructions that there is no comma there. Moreover, if you read the instructions REEEEALLY carefully, you also note that you are not supposed to include your name in an unsubscribe request -- though the server *usually* won't care if you do. So, the command should look like this:
unsubscribe humornet
That's it. Good luck. May the force be with you. And thank you for being with us.
<Yes, I actually put the "thank you" in there.
<Several minutes pass, then another piece of mail arrives from her; it contains this command -- and please note the spelling of the list name.
unsubscribe humournet <name of clueless person
Me: I'm sorry, but unless you BCCed that request to the server, you sent it to the wrong place. You were apparently sending it to the right address earlier; why did you change addresses? Moreover, why did you change the spelling of the list name? All you needed to do was remove the comma (you did that) and your name (you didn't do that), and not change anything else (you changed stuff) and be sure to send it to the same address you have been using right along (you changed the address). Now, it's really not all that difficult; just send the command:
unsubscribe humornet
... to the server at <server address. Just those two words, with the spelling as shown above, to the correct address, with no commas, and no names. You can do it; I *know* you can.
CL: I SENT IT TO THE RIGHT ADDRESS, YOUR SERVER SENT IT TO THE WRONG PLACE! <I just *loved* that argument. <More ranting deleted, BTW, as well as assurances that *she* didn't change any spellings or addresses, and that I have everything screwed up at my end, and probably something to the effect that I am the anti-christ(tm), though I cannot recall for sure.
Me: Just ... follow ... the ... instructions. That's it. Don't get creative, don't add new stuff, don't change addresses. Just follow the instructions.
... Several minutes later, I received the unsub confirmation from the ListProc. I was tempted to copy the message back to her (of course, she'd already received *one* copy) with a heartfelt note of congratulations, but I thought better of it. <g
<end of "Duh!" award
Overall, I'm a pretty Nice Guy(tm), and I'm more than happy to help out folks with their HumourNet-related problems. But every once in a while, someone like the person featured above comes along, and it's time for the BLOFH (b*stard list owner from hell) to resurface.
Coincidentally, that happened again just this past week. Remember, there are ways of getting things done, and ways of NOT getting them done. Here's an example of how best to NOT get things done. We'll name this one "Renee from New York" (not exactly her real name) ...
CL: Hello,
CL:
CL: I would very much like to be removed from the HumorNet mailing
CL: list.
CL:
CL: <two e-mail addresses deleted
CL:
CL: Thank you.
To this type of request, I generally respond with my standard "Here are the instructions" form letter. 99% of the time, the hand holding is sufficient, and the subscriber figures out how to become a non- subscriber -- and I collect $5 to $7 for the Unsubscription Fee(tm).
Not this time ...
VS: From both your Welcome message AND the trailer at the end of
VS: every Collage:
VS:
VS: To unsubscribe, send the command "unsubscribe HumorNet" (without
VS: quotes) to listproc@csf.colorado.edu.
VS:
VS: If you have any problems, please be sure to let me know. Thank
VS: you for being with us.
CL: Sure thing. I do not send email out of the <address deleted
CL: account, it's simply a hop-to service that forwards my email to
CL: my current/active account. If I try and send mail asking to be
CL: removed from any account other than the poboxes.com account to
CL: which the mail is being sent, I get messages saying that I'm not
CL: registered under that address.
CL:
CL: Thank you though for pointing me to the unsubscribe command.
CL: Now, can you -- or someone else associated with the listserv --
CL: remove those email addresses?
At this point, we pause to note that Miss Renee(tm) was able to *subscribe* herself from the Poboxes account. Thus, one might conclude, it is not inconceivable that she should also be able to *unsubscribe* herself from the Poboxes account. (If you're not familiar with Poboxes, then just trust me on this.) But I wasn't even concerned about that, yet; instead, I was curious why she didn't do what most other breathing, synapsing, non-drooling members of the human race do in that situation: *Give* me that information right from the start. Thus, my reply:
VS: Did you tell me this in your original message?
I have to show you Renee's *entire* response to that question; the section shown with "VS" is what she quoted back to me:
VS Did you tell me this in your original message?
VS
VS - Vince Sabio
VS HumourNet Moderator
VS HumourNet@telephonet.com
CL: Thanks a bunch!
CL:
CL: Take care,
CL:
CL: Renee
Call me crazy, but I failed to see any correlation between my question and her answer. So I repeated the question, this time a little more emphatically:
VS: Did you tell me this in your original message?
VS: When you answer the question correctly, you'll be removed. Now ...
And so, we come to the final response from Renee:
CL: Actually Vince, yes... I've sent a bunch of requests over the
CL: past 2 months. What are you going to try and keep me on the
CL: list if I don't choose to be on it any longer? You're kidding,
CL: right?
CL:
CL: Becoming more and more amused,
CL:
CL: Renee
We note, at this point, that it might be considered bad form to waste the list moderator's time -- but only stupidity of Darwinian proportion could possibly lead someone to cop an attitude with a list owner FROM WHOM SHE IS ASKING A [probably unnecessary] FAVOR.
Remember Collage 301? The three "Levels of Stupidity"? In case you don't, here's the refresher course:
For the most part, the biological family "Stupidus Populus" comprises three genera, as follows:
1. Smarter than the average rock. (Moderately Stupid people)
2. Justification for abortion rights. (Very Stupid people)
3. "Hey YOU! Outta the gene pool!" (Anyone who sat on the O.J. jury)
Renee is now arguing for a fourth category; I'm simply unable to come up with a name for it at the moment. Nevertheless, here was my reply to her final correspondence:
VS: You have now managed to put yourself onto the "You got on here
VS: yourself, you can get off here yourself" list.
VS:
VS: Have fun figuring it out. I know you will.
VS:
VS: Bye.
So far, she hasn't figured it out.
Now, one might argue that if I'm so busy, I should just take the path of least resistance, and unsub her -- rather than draw fire -- right?
Wrong. Remember, I am a devout follower of Father Darwin; there is simply no sense in messing with the machinery of evolution. Renee will either adapt or die -- at least, in an Internet sense. I tend to think that she will adapt -- and she'll be a better, stronger, less irritating person for it.
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