Virus Apologies

 would like to apologize to everyone who got sent a computer virus because of me. I received an e-mail purported to be from tennis star Anna Kournikova which read "Hello, this is tennis star Anna Kournikova and my breasts are bursting out of my tiny top thinking of the racy picture I just sent you! Ooooo!" When I opened the attachment it was just one of those viruses that sends itself to everyone in your address book. I've never met Anna Kournikova, but I thought maybe she had seen me on a security camera somewhere. I really feel stupid about the whole thing and I'm sorry.

I would like to apologize again. Right after sending out the previous apology I got an e-mail supposedly from tennis star Anna Kournikova which read "Oh, I sent you a virus by mistake. Silly Anna Kournikova! Here's that picture of me -- but don't open it if you're offended by nudity!" Well, even tennis stars can make a mistake. But when I opened the attachment it turned out to be one of those viruses that make your computer laugh at you and give you the finger and then e-mails itself to everyone in your address book and gives them the finger too. Although she's always surrounded by jocks and male models, I thought what Anna Kournikova might really be looking for was a quiet life with a guy in a dead-end job with a hump on his back. I thought the e-mail might be her way of "making her move." Anyhow, I feel like a big jerk and I'm very sorry. I won't be fooled again.

I would like to apologize to everyone out there who now has a big picture of Ed Asner's scrotum on their computer screen because of me. After that last apology, I got an e-mail that read "Don't open this attachment, you idiot. It is NOT from Anna Kournikova and is NOT a picture of her sudsing up in a shower." This, for some reason, sounded SO Anna Kournikova to me. You know, playing hard to get. But the attachment turned out to be one of those viruses that makes your mouse jump up and hit you in the head while your computer makes nyuk-nyuk sounds from the Three Stooges and then sends pictures of Ed Asner's scrotum to everyone in your address book that can only be removed from their computer screens by sand-blasting. Has there ever been a bigger doofus than me? I don't think so. I can tell you for sure, Anna Kournikova and me are finished!

Hold on a second, I've just gotten an e-mail.