More Lists!
|
| Back
to Lists Home |
12 things you should never say to a police officer...
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas).
2. Sorry officer. I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job.
5. Are your Andy or Barny?
6. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer?
7. You aren't going to check the trunk are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, thanks officer! The last cop only gave me a warning also!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the officer says, "Gee son... your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with "Gee officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" |
|
|
If your wife or girlfriend is pregnant, you might want to avoid saying
these:
"Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it."
"How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"
"What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."
"Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, willya?"
"Yo, Fatass! You're blocking the TV!"
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Got milk?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." |
Poison-Prevention Tips
Here are some helpful tips to reduce the risk of poisoning and know what to do in case it occurs:
Poison always comes in amber-colored bottles clearly marked with a skull-and-crossbones icon and the word "DANGER." If a substance is not in this type of bottle, it is safe to drink or huff.
For lower-body snakebites, suck the poison out through the victim's penis. Spit out the deadly, milky-white venom and repeat as necessary.
Most household cleansers are harmful or fatal if swallowed. Learn to live in filth.
If bleach is swallowed, induce vomiting with nude Dr. Laura Internet pics.
Set aside a special blue set of coffee mugs as your "poison-only" drinkware.
If an ingested poison is flammable, spit out over open flame for awesome fireball effect.
Tell your children in no uncertain terms that poison is a magical potion only for adults.
When dueling an archrival with poison-tipped swords, have a dying soliloquy prepared in advance, just in case.
If bitten by a poisonous animal, such as a scorpion, wasp, or water moccasin, gradually evolve a natural resistance.
If an acid is accidentally swallowed, neutralize with bass-heavy solution like Dr. Dre 2001.
Many substances, once fatal if ingested, now have effective antidotes. Treat yourself to a refreshing, ice-cold glass of methyl ethyl ketone today.
If you have young children, avoid purchasing bleach products bearing pictures of Pikachu drinking the bleach.
To avoid a potentially fatal case of arsenic poisoning, do not accept invitations from lonely old ladies to take tea in their parlors.
Avoid Snake Island at all costs. |
|
|
The
Poopie List
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSEY POOPIE: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have in the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid mark on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: (Self explanatory)
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE: (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
LIQUID POOPIE: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
MEXICAN POOPIE: It smells so bad your nose burns.
UPPER-CLASS POOPIE: The kind of poopie that doesn't smell.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops!! - A poopie!!
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
|
| The
747 Has Everything!
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the Men's room, but each time he tried the door, it was occupied. The Stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the Ladies' room but cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons on the wall. The buttons were marked "WW", "WA", "PP", and "ATR".
Eventually his curiosity got the better of him and sitting there, he carefully pressed the button marked "WW". Immediately warm water sprayed gently over his entire Ass. He thought "golly, the Gals really have it made." Still curious, he pressed the next button marked "WA". Warm air dried his Ass completely. This, he thought, was out of sight! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which patted his bottom lightly with a scented powder. Naturally, he just couldn't resist pressing the last one marked "ATR".
When he awoke in the Hospital, he panicked and buzzed for the Nurse. When She appeared, he cried "what happened?" "The last thing I remember was using the Ladies' room aboard the plane." The Nurse replied "yes you were, but you were cautioned about pressing the buttons. You were really having a great time until you pressed the button marked 'ATR,' which means 'Automatic Tampax Remover.' Your Penis is under your pillow."
|
|
|
More
Pickup Lines
- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted?
- For the longest time I lived with a hairdresser named Brice, but then I had this sudden relapse of heterosexuality.
- When we get back to my apartment, whatever you do, don't tease the pony.
- You know, if my wife wasn't so hung up on this faithfulness thing, she'd probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet.
- You can trust me, I'm a lawyer.
- I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a coat-hanger to the metal plate in her head and was using it as antenna to read my thoughts.
- No, really, I read Playboy for the articles.
- My most painful memory? Hmmm... That would have to be when those three guys cornered me in the showers in prison.
- Who can blame Woody Allen?
- I've been studying this new age stuff with a guy who channels Ed Sullivan. Last week I channeled Topo Gigio and told him where he could stick it.
- After our last date, when I got home I had this aching in the pit of my stomach. I thought it was because I missed you, but it turned out to be food poisoning.
- I'm not free Sunday. I'm going to help OJ look for the real killer.
- If I was a woman, I'd have Rush Limbaugh's baby.
- I guess in retrospect that 'Clay Messiah: Parallels Between Jesus and Gumby' wasn't the best title for a doctoral thesis.
- How about after dinner we take a romantic stroll by the oil refinery? The fumes give you a really cool buzz.
- Now I'm just speaking hypothetically here, but let's say you were at some guy's house, opened the refrigerator, and saw a human head. Would you call the cops?
- I was thinking tonight we'd go to a French restaurant. Have you ever been to Jacques En Ze Box?
- I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn't get into med school, so now I just pursue gynecology as a hobby. I even have my own stirrups. |
9 Religions in a
Nutshell:
Taoism = Shit Happens
Confucianism = Confucius says, "Shit happens"
Buddhism = If shit happens, it isn't really shit
Zen = What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism = This shit happened before
Islam = If shit happens, it is the will of Allah
Protestanism = Let shit happen to someone else
Catholicism = If shit happened, you deserved it
Judaism = Why does this shit always happen to us?
Atheism = Shit does not happen
Agnostic= Well, I've heard that shit happens, and if you want to believe it, it's ok with me... |
|
|
Romantic
First Lines, Unromantic Second Lines
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime. |
| About
Life
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they have ever been before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
16. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
24. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
25. The trouble with life is, you're half way through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.
26. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. |
|
|
I'm
not Saying They're Stupid, But...
1. A few clowns short of a circus.
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3. A few beers short of a six-pack.
4. One taco short of a combination plate.
5. The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.
6. He doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.
7. She couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
8. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
9. Too much yardage between the goalposts.
10. Her elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
11. His gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
12. It takes her an hour and a half to watch "60 Minutes".
13. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
14. If she had another brain it would be lonely.
15. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
16. He's about as bright as Alaska in December.
17. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
18. If she were any more stupid, she'd have to be watered twice a week.
19. His skylight leaks a little.
And Finally....
20. She should wear a T-shirt that says "I'm with Stupid" and no arrow! |
| Slang
for Breasts:
Apples Balcony Balloons Bangers Bazongas Bazooms Bean Bags Big Brown Eyes Bon-Bons Boobies Boobs Bottles Boulders Bullets Bumpers Busters Butterbags Cantaloupes Gazongas Glands Globes Grapefruits Guavas Handful Hand- Warmers Headers Headlights Hills Honkers Hooters Howitzers Jaboos Jibs Jugs Jumbos Kazongas Knobs Knockers Lactoids Loaves Loblollies Love Bubbles Love Muffins Lulus Lungs Mammets Mams Mangoes Meatballs Meat Loaves Melons Milk Cans Milk Shop Mounds Mount of Lilies Mountains Muffins Mulligans Murphies Nancies Nature's Fonts Niblets Ninnies Nippers Nodules Noogies Nubbies Nuts Oranges Orbs Ottomans Pair Palookas Papayas Paps Peaches Peaks Pears Pects Peepers Pillows Pips Pokers Pontoons Potatoes Pumpkins Pumps Rib Cushions Roundies Sandbags Scones Scoops Set Shakers Shimmies Skin Sacks Snuggle Pups Spheres Spuds Stacks Stuffing Sweater Meat Sweet Rolls Swingers Tamales Tetons Tidbits Tits Titters Titties Tomatoes Tooters Torpedoes Twangers Twin Peaks Twofers Umlauts Upper Deck Waldos Warheads Warts Watermelons Whoppers Wobblers Wongas Yabbos Yams Zeppelins |
|
|
Top 17 Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See:
Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
The proctologist called... they found your head.
Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don't have any film.
Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
I used to have a handle on life... but it broke off.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Guys... just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people "Everybody But Me,"
Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
If you can read this... I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Try not to let your mind wander... It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
Hang up and drive!!
And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!
Welcome to America
...now speak English |
| Glow
Worm Riddles
Q: What did the maggot say to his friend when he got stuck in an apple?
A: Worm your way out of that one!
Q: Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple?
A: Because everyone had to go on in pairs!
Q: What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a worm in your apple!
Q: How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
A: Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
Q: How do you make a glow worm happy?
A: Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted!
Q: What's a glow worms favorite song?
A: Wake me up before you glow glow!
Q: Why was the glow worm unhappy?
A: Because her children weren't that bright!
Q: What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
A: Light ale!
Q: What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A: A dirty kid!
Q: What did the woodworm say to the chair?
A: It's been nice gnawing you!
Q: What's yellow, wiggles and is dangerous?
A: A maggot with attitude!
Q: How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm?
A: It has a blue light!
Q: Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag?
A: They can lighten your load!
Q: What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python?
A: A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death!
Q: Who is the worm's Prime Minister?
A: Maggot Thatcher!
Q: When should you stop for a glow worm?
A: When he has a red light!
Q: What is the worm army called?
A: The Apple Corps!
Q: What is the best advice to give to worm?
A: Sleep late!
Q: What's the difference between a worm and an apple?
A: Have you ever tried worm pie!
Q: What did the worm say to the other when he was late home?
A: Where in earth have you been!
Q: What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant?
A: Very big worm holes in your garden!
Q: What makes a glow worm glow?
A: A light meal!
Q: Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
A: Because they're wrigleys!
Q: Why did the sparrow go to the library?
A: It was looking for bookworms! |
|
|
A Few Moments Of Zen.....
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probable worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
25. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
30. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then things get worse. |
The Annotated Thermometer gives a brief description of what happens at cooler temperatures so that you may have a better idea of how cold it is outside.
40 - Californians shiver uncontrollably, Wisconsinites go swimming
35 - Italian cars don't start
32 - Water freezes
30 - You can see your breath You plan your vacation to Australia
25 - Boston water freezes Californians weep pitiably, Wisconsinites eat ice cream Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
20 - You can hear your breath New York City water freezes
15 - You plan a vacation in Mexico Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 - Too cold to snow You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 - You plan your vacation to Houston
0 - American cars don't start Too cold to skate
-5 -You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
-10 - Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
-15 - Too cold to think You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-20 - You plan a two week hot bath Japanese cars don't start
-25 - Californians disappear, Wisconsinites button top button and go snowmobiling |
|
| Back
to Lists Home |
|
