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Late Night with David Letterman:
Top 10 changes in the Mustang Ranch now that it's owned by the government:
10) Airbags installed in headboards of all beds
9) Popular "Whipped Cream" treatment now uses government surplus cheese
8) A simple "Half & Half" now involves hours of paperwork
7) Chipped beef on toast
6) Marion Barry once again interested in government work
5) Easy-going, low pressure atmosphere maintained by experts from Postal Service
4) Etchings of naked women replaced by clown paintings by Gerald Ford
3) Name changed to Fort Dix
2) Main gate marked by giant billboard of pantsless Uncle Sam
1) T-shirts in gift shop say "I got screwed by the government"
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Q. What's the difference between "Jurassic Park" and Microsoft?
A. One's a high-tech theme park dominated by expensive, nasty, hungry, predatory monsters that will destroy anything can they can their teeth into. The other is a movie. |
I'm not saying she's fast and loose, but...
...she's really a "home girl", and she doesn't care whose.
...she's leading a delightful sexistence.
...her motto is "to err is human, and it feels soooo divine."
...when she dances, she doesn't know the difference between writhe & wrong.
...she owes most of her jewelry to "The Power of Positive Winking".
...she's climbing the ladder of success, lad by lad.
...she's kissed so many sailors, her lips move with the tide.
...when a guy sez "say when" pouring drinks, she sez "after this drink".
...she knows how to say "yes" in 17 different languages.
...in college, she *earned* the nickname "Hoover".
...she wears a velcro-close bra.
...her exercise program is "Jumping Jack".
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Medical definitions:
Artery- the study of fine paintings
Barium- What you do when somebody dies
Caesarian section- a district in downtown Rome.
Colic- a sheepdog
Coma- a punctuation mark
Congenital- friendly
Dilate- to live longer
Fester- quicker
G.I. Series- baseball games between soldiers
Hangnail- nail to hang your coat on
Medical staff- old doctor's walking cane
Midol- what a little girl calls her favorite toy
Minor operation- digging
Morbid- a higher offer
Nitrate- cheaper than the day rate
Node- was aware of - "I node about it."
Oganic- musical
Outpatient- a person who has fainted
Postoperative- a letter carrier. Also the process of mailing you the bill
Secretion- hiding anything
Tablet- a small table
Tumor- an extra pair
Urine- opposite of "you're out"
Urinate- someone pretty. Almost a ten
Varicose viens- veins that are really close to each other |
| Insults!
You know, you're pretty irritating right now, but I'll bet that with a little practice, you could become a real stinker!
What's the difference between being involved and being committed? Why, it's just like ham and eggs- the chicken was involved, but the pig was committed!
If you could "take it with you," would it have to be fire-proof?
He must be sincere. Would anyone pretend to be so obnoxious?
Her living bra killed itself. It was leading an empty life!
Don't thank me for insulting you...it was my pleasure!
He has a certain air about him. Must be gas.
My! Don't you look flatulent today!
There's nothing wrong with him that a miracle couldn't cure!
What he lacks in intelligence he makes up in stupidity.
Would you say that a woman with 10 kids is overbearing?
Samson killed a thousand Phillistines with the jawbone of an ass. Millions of people are hurt every day with the same weapon.
Did you hear about the two octopuses that got married? They went down the isle together, arm in arm in arm in arm in arm... |
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Of Course, She's a Dog...
Notice to people who visit my home:
1. the dog lives here...you don't.
2. if you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. yes, she has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your point?
4. OF COURSE she smells like a dog.
5. it's her nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff hers.
6. I like her a lot better than I like most people.
7. to you she's a dog. To me she's an adopted daughter, who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, doesn't speak clearly, and hates cats. I have no problem with any of these things.
8. dogs are better than kids: they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups. |
Top 15 Reasons To Own a Cat Over A
Dog
15. Cats purr. Dogs drool.
14. Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they're horny.
13. Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.
12. In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner's choking on saliva during morning wakeup licks.
11. Cats always land on their feet. Dogs just won't let you throw them.
10. Cats let you kick them when you're stressed out.
9. Cats will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.
8. Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs just crash right in front of the screen.
7. Fewer cat owners suffer from 'Flappy Tail' lacerations than dog owners.
6. No one has ever had to "Beware of the Cat".
5. Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others'.
4. Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch.
3. Cats lay on the car in the heat. Dogs in heat lay the car.
2. Why do you think they call it, "Dog Breath?"
1. Garfield. Odie. Enough said. |
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Top 11 Reasons to Own a Dog Over
a Cat
11. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.
10. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper. Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born. |
You've Had too Much to Drink
When...
You notice your tie sticking out of your fly...
Someone uses your tongue for a coaster...
You start kissing portraits on the wall...
You see your underwear hanging from the chandlier...
You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off...
You strike a match and light your nose...
You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad...
You hear someone say "call a Priest!"...
You hear a duck quacking ...and it's you...
You complain about the small bathroom after you emerge from the coat closet...
You refill your glass from the fish bowl...
You tell everyone you have to go home ...and the party's at your place...
You ask for another ice cube ...and you put it in your pocket...
You yawn at the biggest bore in the room ...and realize you're in front of the hall mirror...
You pick up a roll, and butter your watch...
You suggest everyone stand and sing the National Budget...
You're sitting at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan...
You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear...
You tell your best joke to the rubber plant...
You realize you're the only one under the Coffee Table... |
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A Dog's Pet Peeves
1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all.
2. Yelling at me for barking ... I AM A DOG!
3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?
4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out...................Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it.
6. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.
8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know! the truth, you're just jealous.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello ... have you noticed the FUR?
10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
11. When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
12. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
13. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain. |
Rules for a Diet
1. If you eat something, and no one sees you eat it - it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar - the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count IF they eat more than you.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes never counts! Examples: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you - you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package, and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots.
7. Cookie pieces have no calories ... the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples: peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich - ice cream making a sundae.
9. Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.
Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. |
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Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. |
| Elephant Riddles
Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin !
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside? A: An inside out elephant.
Q: What is grey and not there?
A: No elephants.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead!
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back. |
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Men Questions
Q; What can a bird do that a man can't?
A: Whistle through its pecker.
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.
Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.
Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q: Why did God make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Q: Why is pee yellow and sperm white?
A: So you can tell if he's coming or going.
Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
Q: Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
A: It turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy. |
Guide to safe E-mail
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe E-MAIL?
A. Although married people E-MAIL quite often, there are many single people who E-MAIL to complete strangers every day.
Q. My parents say they never had E-MAIL when they were young and were only allowed to write their memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they can E-MAIL?
A. E-MAILing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedures.
Q. If I E-MAIL something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go to pay to E-MAIL, is this legal?
A. Yes! Many people have no other outlet for their E-MAIL drives and must pay a "professional" when their need to E-MAIL becomes too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for E-MAILing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are E-MAILing to, a cover should be used to insure safe E-MAIL.
Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I E-MAIL prematurely?
A. Don't panic, many people prematurely E-MAIL when they haven't E-MAILed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.
Q. I have a personal and a business E-MAIL, can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-E-MAILual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to. |
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Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search." |
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