There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.

The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?'

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank the Lord, I'm not a gynecologist.'"

Hemorrhoids

"Dr. Bernard completely cured my hemorrhoids," Betty informed the other girls in the secretarial pool. "How'd he do it?" her coworker asked. "First he had me bend over, of course, and then he put one hand on my shoulder and stuck the other up my.... Hang on a sec." Betty's face screwed up in concentration, and then she went on. "Yeah, that's it; Dr. Bernard put his right hand on my shoulder and stuck his left up...." Betty paused, then paled. "Hey, wait a minute!" she gasped. "He had *both* hands on my shoulders!!!"

Doctor, Doctor!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.

Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.

***

Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.

Wait a minute please.

***

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.

Who said that?!

***

Doctor, doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Tell me about your problem.

I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID MORON!!!

***

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!

Pull yourself together, man!

***

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.

Sit there and stop stirring!

***

Doctor, Doctor, I get the feeling that people don’t give a hoot about anything I say.

So ?

***

Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dustbin.

Don't talk such rubbish.

***

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.

I'll deal with you later.

***

Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop stealing things.

Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a VCR.

***

Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.

What do you mean by that?

***

Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pool ball.

Get to the end of the queue (cue).

***

Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!

Next!

***

Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.

Don't let people push you around.

***

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.

Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.

I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.

***

Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.

Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?

***

Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.

And how long have you had this complaint?

Who wants to know?

***

Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!

And how long have you had this complaint?

What complaint?

***

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a bridge.

What's come over you?

Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

***

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a cat.

How long has this been going on?

Oh, since I was a kitten!

***

After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate. "Father's date of birth?" she asked.

When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"

"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I have a daughter who turned two a couple days before the same date."

After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."

My Annual Physical

My annual physical, the nurse starts with certain basics:

How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"125," I say.

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 160.

She asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," I say.

I only measure 5' 5".

She checks my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I scream, "I'm upset! When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

They put me on Prozac.