military jokes

Military Jokes
Enlistment Oaths The Good 'Ol Navy Days! That Takes Balls! Military Rules for Civilians Nautical Mishap Indoctrination for Return to the US Plan "B" will save Gasoline	How to Simulate Being in the Navy 24 More ways to Simulate Being in the Navy Yeah, We Bad! Letter from a Farm Kid Military Truisms All in One's Perception
In 1911, Navy Lt. Eugene Ely landed his airplane on the deck of the USS Pennsylvania, which was in the San Francisco, California harbor. In 1910, he had taken off from a ship. AVIATION EXPERT It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?" The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
	This is a tale I heard from an old salt. He was on a carrier in the 7th fleet. The Captain held a contest to come up with a slogan for the ship. The winning slogan was: BOHICA - Our screws never stop! Which of course refers to the propellers (called screws) and the fact that a carrier is always on the go. Well they printed T-shirts and bumper stickers, coffee cups, etc, all with the winning slogan. It was not until several weeks later that one of the higher ranking officers was in the mess and asked a sailor what BOHICA meant. "Well sir", he replied "It is an old Indian expression. It means 'Bend Over, Here It Comes Again.'"
News Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and a U.S. Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader. The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?" Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content." Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job 'til the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy." The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine. "What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead, dying, or fleeing for their lives. As the Marine was untying Rather and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?" "What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberal assholes call ME the aggressor?!"
	A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves-- the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that crap on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said in a smug voice, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
PRESIDENT CLINTON'S QUEEN BERETS Falling Fairies from the sky, I broke a nail, oh I could cry. Don't you like how my tushy sways? We are the Fags of the Queen Berets. Bill Clinton's words upon my ears "You guys have rights, be proud you're queer." I once was scared, now I'm ok. 'Cause I'm a Fag, in the Queen Berets. Put silver earclips on my nuts, I'll love the pain, now spank my butt. The way you walk is awfully cute. I sure would love to pack your chute. This Army stuff is really slick, free meals and clothes and lots of dicks. When I retire, I'll still get paid, I thank you Bill from the Queen Berets.
	MILITARY OBSERVANCE Little Suzie was out playing in her yard with her brother when she saw some men coming down the street. She hollered into the house, "Momma, Momma, there's a soldier coming down the street." Her mother yelled back, "You get in this house until he passes, young lady." Suzie yells again, "Momma, Momma, there's a sailor with him." The mother hollered back, "Bring your brother inside, too!" Suzie is about to comply when she yells, "Momma, Momma, there's a Marine with them!" Her mother shrieks, "Don't just stand there, Honey... hide the goddamn dog!"
HEY JUAN During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled, "Hey Juan!" A Mexican soldier jumped up and replied, "What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days. A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out, "Hey John!!" An American replied, "John isn't here ... is that you Juan?" The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!"
	HILLBILLY IN THE ARMY A Carolina hillbilly, Herman James, was drafted by the Army, and on the first day as an enlisted man, he was given a comb. The following day, the Army barber sheared all of his hair off. On the third day, the Army gave him a toothbrush. The next day, the Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out. On the fifth day, he was given a jock strap. That afternoon, Herman disappeared, and the Army is still looking for him.
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who's calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it's an American Airlines Flight, it's 3 o'clock. If it's an Air Force fighter plane, it's 1500 hours. If it's a Navy aircraft, it's 6 bells. If it's an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. And, if it's a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
	MILITARY TRADITION: "Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. "As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?" "Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?" "Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves . . . "
Our story opens on an Army base somewhere in the South. Lt Green has just received a Red Cross telegram notifying him that Private Jones' mother has recently passed away. The Lt. calls the Sgt in, hands him the telegram and asks him if he can handle the notification. Being a good Sgt he replies "Yes Sir" and hustles off to the company area. As events would have it the company was about to fall out from roll call, so the Sgt. steps up and announces, "Private Jones, your mother is dead". Well needless to say the shit hits the fan (some splattering off onto the Lt and Sgt). The Lt calls the Sgt into his office and reads him the riot act. The Lt gives him lecture after lecture and sends him to Sensitivity Training. Two weeks later the Lt. calls the Sgt. in and hands him a telegram that tells of the passing of Pvt. Abernathys' mother. The Lt, being a little nervous, asks the Sgt. if he feels he now knows how to break the news of the loss of a loved one subtly. "Most Certainly, Sir!" the Sgt. replies, and hustles off to locate Pvt. Abernathy. As luck and irony would have it, the Company is again at roll call. The Sgt. steps up to the formation and bellows out, "Everyone who still has a mother take one step forward. Not so fast there Abernathy!"
	Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons." After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight-lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges." After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

Military Jokes