Irish Jokes

"Hey," said a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Irish jokes." "Before you start," said the big bloke in the corner, "I'm Irish." "Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."

An Irishman proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn't real, she protested vehemently about his cheapness. "It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day" he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."

One dark night, as a group of American tourists huddled in Nelly's, a well-known pub in Killarney, Ireland, a local Irishman sidled up to one of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy. "I'm sorry," said the American stiffly, "I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons."

Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates. When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife's place. "Glory be!" said Mick. " I must have been really drunk when I got home. I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!"

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Two Irishmen had filled a cart with hay and were driving it out of the field onto a narrow road and into the path of an oncoming car. The car driver jammed on his brakes just in time and swerved into the field they had just left. "Thank the Lord," said one Irishman to the other. "We only just got out of that field in time."

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,"what was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding.The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

The mistress of a big English house called her Irish maid and pointed out the dust still on top of the piano. "Mary," she said, "I could write my name in this dust." Mary responded, "Aye, isn't education a grand thing, ma'am!"

Seamus and Mick were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, 'Tree Fellers Wanted.' Seamus said, "Ye know Mick, it's a shame Paddy isn't here. We could ha' gotten the job."

Now the Irish have a new clinic for those who want to stop smoking. It's called Nicotine Anonymous. If you get the urge to smoke, you call them and they send a man over and you get drunk together.

O'Brien was boasting of his grandfather, "He lived for 94 years and never once used glasses!" "He had the right of it," nodded Sullivan. "I always said it was healthier to drink from the bottle."