miscellaneous jokes

Miscellaneous Jokes
The Accident AOL in Germany Incident Baked Beans The Death of Common Sense A Couple of Jerks Darksuckers Headlight Dimmer Switches Ford Air Conditioning The Genie Going Fishing Gone Camping The Gunslinger The Hamster Incident I'm Fine, Officer! The Manual Miscellaneous Jokes, Page 2 Miscellaneous Jokes, Page 3 Miscellaneous Jokes, Page 4 Miscellaneous Jokes, Page 5 Miscellaneous Jokes, Page 6 Miscellaneous Jokes, Page 7 Miscellaneous Jokes, Page 8 The Moral of the Story The Mate Match Show! The New Baby Oil of Olay A Real Cold Winter Big Jake's Comin' to Town! How not to test a Taser Various Irish Jokes Dear Abby... Tales of a Girl Scout Leader Fred Dingaling The Redneck math test The Robot Caddie Farts Winter Poem	The Old Indian Do you have any Onions? The Toilet Paper Dispenser Incident Poncho Villa The Pretzel Hold The Rocket The Skiing Accident The Story of Creation Taco Hell The Tape Tree Your New Teenage Daughter The Vacuum Cleaner Incident A Guide to Weather Terminology The Whale Incident Slang From Down Under School Days A History Lesson A Real Quaker! Worst Wife Big John Three ways to Die Lawyers The New TV The origin of liberals and conservatives Yup... Gonna be a Bear Because I'm a Man! Why Don't We Think of This... Polish Ladies buy a Hot Dog The Bronze Rat He tried to rope a deer! Whiskey, Wine or Beer Broke Down in West Texas The Blue Pigeon The Halloween Costume
Dear Diary, If you're using a Weed Wacker without a safety guard, first check the area around you for fresh dog poop. Trust me. Don't ask, just do it.
	Imagine yourself holding two very large mothballs, one in each hand. Now hold your hands over your head. What have you got? One hell of a big moth, real pissed off.
"In my day, we used to play without helmets. And instead of a ball, we'd use a live pig... and Jethro would hold it down, while I would... No, wait, that wasn't football."
	Which reminds me of the old story of two lawyers having a drink in a bar. A beautiful woman enters. Lawyer #1: God! I would love to screw her! Lawyer #2: Out of what?
Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by. The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!" One banana turns to the other and says, "Do you believe that shit?"
	We recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with large thighs or women with thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising. 10% of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs. 10% of the men preferred women with thin thighs. And the other 80% preferred what's in-between.
A man walks into a local bar and, with the most sorry look on his face, pleads to the bartender: "Look, my wife has left me, I've been fired, I've just been mugged for all my money, and I'm desperate for a drink. Can you help me out?" "Of course," said the bartender, "the door is behind you. Do you want to be pushed or carried?"
	This guy in a bar keeps eyeing the two good-looking blondes in the corner and keeps saluting them with his glass, he also keeps sending over drinks, etc. After a while, one comes over to him and asks, "Would you like to smell my friend's pussy?" "Wow! I sure would!" he answers. "OK. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" she breathes into his face!
Walking into the bar, Henry said, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah," said Eddie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Henry replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees." "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?" "Come out from under that bed, you chicken shit bastard
	After God had created Man he stepped back and admired his work: "Look at this perfect physique, the strong but yet handsome features, the well balanced proportions, I have to say, I am in awe with myself." Then he turned and looked at the Woman. After he had been studying her for a while he said: "Well, I guess you will have to wear make-up."
After eight days of backpacking with my wife Linda, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder- length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Terry," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
	A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too. "Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"
I hate people that forward those hoax warnings as much as anyone, but this one is important! Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list! If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off, do not do it! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now.....
	The elementary school teacher was trying impress upon the seventh-grade history class how Native Americans must have felt when they first encountered the European settlers. "How would you feel," she said, "if someone showed up on your doorstep, who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?" "Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date ..."
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
	Mom was cleaning the house when she found her son's hidden stash of S&M and sexual bondage magazines. Naturally, she was very upset and she didn't know what to do. So, she waited until her husband got home to discuss it with him. After she showed him the magazines, she asked him, "Well, what are you going to do about it?" "I don't know what to do." he told her. "I really don't think I should give him a spanking for this!"
A traveling salesman finds himself stranded in the tiniest town in Australia. He knocks on the door of a little hotel. "Sorry, we don't have a spare room," says the manager, "but you're welcome to share with a little red-headed schoolteacher, if that's okay." "Oh, that'll be great," says the bloke, grinning from ear to ear. "And don't worry, I'll be a real gentleman." "Just as well," says the manager. "So will the little red-headed schoolteacher."
	An interesting Factoid for the 100th Anniversary of Harley-Davidson: Fully 85% of all Harleys manufactured during the 1990's are still on the road. Why? The other 15% managed to get back to the garage. And now to make sure I really offend the Harley owners: Explain how a Harley-Davidson is similar to and yet different from a Hoover. Ans: Well, they're the same because they both suck. They differ in that the Hoover only has one dirt bag on its back at a time.
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.
	As two policeman were eating lunch in a café‚, they heard a woman nearby say loudly, "Jimmie, if you don't eat all your peas, I'll have those policemen come over and talk to you." One of the policemen promptly walked over to the five-year-old who was being scolded. "Jimmie," he said, just as loudly, "I'm six-foot-two and weigh 200 pounds. And I never ate a pea in my life." As they left the cafe, the other patrons were laughing, Jimmie's mother was absolutely silent, and a smiling Jimmie was no longer afraid of policemen.
The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking and Brain Development A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster. The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
	I had a near death experience. I was driving home one night with my fourth wife and two couples we were friendly with. All of a sudden, the car flips over and we're all standin' at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks at one of the couples I was with and says to the man, "You're so cheap, you married a woman named Penny. Go to Hell!" St. Peter then looks at the next couple we were with and says to the man, "Why, you're such a boozer, you married a woman named Brandy. Go to Hell!" So I says to my wife, "Come on, Fanny, we're out of here!"
Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob. Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
	The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged it had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Ike, Mike and Mustard were on a weekend outing staying at The Olde Log Inn resort. Mustard decided to take a nature hike and ended up missing for two days. When he turned up in the local infirmary literally beaten to a pulp Ike and Mike rushed to see what had happened. According to Mustard, he had gotten lost. After wandering around for what seemed like hours he finally spotted a parked car with what appeared to be people in the back seat. Unfortunately, the last thing he remembers was sticking his head through the window and asking "How far is The Olde Log Inn?"

Miscellaneous Jokes