Miscellaneous 2

Miscellaneous Jokes. Page 2
Back to Miscellaneous Jokes Home
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service"... the act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations, and I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then recently, I overheard two horse breeders talking and one of them mentioned that he was having his stallion service a few of his mares. SHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us!
	This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?" "No" replied the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender looks at him and says "Well what do you do in Pennsylvania?" "I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"
There was a woman who spent some months serving God in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies. She wanted to always remember this moment and try to share it with friends when she arrived home. With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?" Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery."
	You probably won't believe this but one day my father-in-law Joe were out fishing, well casting would be a more accurate. Well when Joe and I fish we also like to take along something to keep warm, usually 80 proof. That particular day the fish were not biting and we got a bit caught up in keeping warm. After a while I started clowning around and for a joke I put a minnow on my hook and then dipped it into my cup of "Ol' Loudmouth" and cast it into the lake. Believe it or not I got an immediate strike and after a major fight landed a 12 pound bass. And that minnow had him right by the throat.
A 60 year old woman wanted to join a motorcycle gang and was appearing before the leader of the group for an interview. It went something like this: Well, Ma'am, first of all, do you own a hog? Sure do, his name's Pete and I got chickens too. What about grass. Do you get into that? Oh yeah, I've got lots of grass out in my front yard. How about liquor. Do you drink? Why shore I do, sonny. I've drunk more shine during my life than you can shake a stick at. Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? No, but I've been slung around by the tits before!
	Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "You mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh, after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
	There were two factories in New York City. One of them made maternity frocks for expectant mothers, so they were called the "Mother Frockers". The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles. They had to soak the corks before they could put them into the bottles, so they were called the "Cork Soakers". One day a Cork Soaker didn't soak a cork long enough and it flew out of one of the bottles and hit one of the Mother Frockers in the eye. That made all the Mother Frockers mad at the Cork Soakers, so they went outside and had the biggest Mother-Frocking Cork Soaking fight you ever saw . . .
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big, bad wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf." With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to shit!"
	"I want to open a fucking checking account," the man snarled. "I beg your pardon, sir, " the teller replied. "Listen, damn it, I said I want to open a fucking checking account." "I'm sorry sir, but we don't tolerate language like that in our bank." She left the window, walked over to the bank manager and whispered in his ear. The two returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here ?" "There's no goddam problem," the man said. "I just won ten million dollars in the lottery and I just want to open a fucking checking account !" "I see, sir," the manager said. "And this bitch is giving you a hard time ?"
The primary school teacher was preparing the class for their annual concert. Some children were to sing songs, others recite poetry, and some would play musical instruments. Young Jud had just recently moved from way out in the country, and the teacher asked him if he would like to do some farmyard impressions. Jud thought this was a great idea. On the night of the concert, he walked onto the stage, just a little bit nervous. "Farmyard noises," he announced. Then, cupping his hands to his mouth, he yelled at the top of his voice, "Get off that fuckin' tractor! Shut the fuckin' gate! Get that fuckin' calf outa the yard!"
	A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children, a blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy!" The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms: Facilities Services Parking Services Internal Revenue Service Postal Service Civil Service Service Stations Customer Service City/County Public Service And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows. WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
	While driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on the makeup!!! It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my other ear which fell into the coffee between my legs and disconnected an important call!
WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU MA'AM A rabbit farmer was noticed that Sam, the buck who serviced all the doe rabbits was slowing down, so he went out and bought a younger male to assist the old bugger. Sam took the youngster aside and told him that the most important thing to remember was to thank the does after he's finished. Dividing the line of females in two, Sam sent the young buck to the other end with instructions to meet near the middle. Sam finished a doe, said, "thank you ma'am", moved on, "thank you ma'am" ... about a third of the way down he heard ... "thankyouma'amthankyou ma'am thankyouma'amsorrySam thankyouma'am...."
	On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid said, "Yeah." The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't!"
	A guy came to his buddy's house found a huge cigarette lighter on the living room table. Amazed by the size of the lighter, the guy asked how the buddy got the lighter. "Well, there is a Genie across the street. He will grant you one wish," said the buddy. Anxious to find out if it was true, the guy ran across the street to ask the Genie. The Genie said, "Yes, it is true that I will grant one wish." The man thought for a moment and asked for a million bucks. The sky turned black, thunder roared and a million ducks appeared in the sky. Angry, the guy ran back to his buddy's house. "Why didn't you tell me that damned Genie was deaf" screamed the guy! "Well, you didn't think I asked for a 13 inch BIC did you?
A renowned sexologist walks out on stage and stands behind the rostrum. He surveys the large audience as he lights up his pipe. He clears his throat and intones, "There are sixty-nine ways to have sexual intercourse." Heavy German accent. The crowd is silent for a moment. Then a deep voice says, "Seventy." The sexologist looks around, annoyed. He repeats himself: "There are sixty-nine ways to have sexual intercourse." Pause. "Seventy." "Whoever you are, be quiet! I have a doctorate in sexology from Heidelburg, and I know what I'm talking about!" Relights pipe. "There are sixty-nine ways to have sexual intercourse." "Seventy." He loses it. "Whoever you are, you go fuck yourself in the ear!" Pause. "Seventy-one."
	The third grade teacher was teaching her English class. She repeated to her student, "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." The teacher explained that this was an example of poetry, but that it could be changed to prose by changing the last line from, "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her." A few days later, the teacher asked for an example of poetry or prose. Little Johnny raised his hand and recited, "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt. He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little..." He stopped short and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose. "Prose!" the teacher said weakly. So Johnny continued, "asshole."
A California Highway Patrol officer pulled a car over south of San Diego and told the driver "Congratulations", that because he and his passenger had been wearing their seatbelts, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the California statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the Highway Patrol Officer. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
	A man is driving up a steep, narrow, mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!" They each continue on their way. As the man rounds the next curve he crashes into a pig in the road. A woman is driving up a steep, narrow, mountain road. A man is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells, "BITCH!!!" The woman immediately leans out her window and replies, "PIG!" They each continue on their way. As the woman rounds the next curve she crashes into a Big Fat Lady in High heels offering herself in the middle of the road.
Yesterday, I was on the bus traveling home from work. A man of Arabic appearance got off at the stop before mine and I noticed that he had left his bag behind. I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful to me and when he checked the contents of his bag I noticed what appeared to be large bundles of cash and white powder. He looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me: "I can never repay your kindness sir, but I will try to with a word of advice for you and your friends: Tell everyone you care about to stay away from Cleveland." I was terrified. "Is there going to be a terrorist attack?" I whispered. "No, sir," he whispered back. "It's a shithole."
	A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury." The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker." The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."
A guy from the deep south moves to New York and he's amazed by the indoor plumbing. He's so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out. One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements. As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds?" "And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap... see the fish eyes and the rice in it?" "And this next one is surely from a queer." The hick asks, "How can you tell it was from a queer?" The inspector answers, "Well see: It's dented on one end!"
Back to Miscellaneous Jokes Home

Miscellaneous Jokes. Page 2