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A man was sitting relaxing in an airplane when another guy dropped into the seat beside him. This new guy was a pale wreck. His hands were shaking; he was biting his nails; he was moaning in low tones. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first man. "Oh my, I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," the second answered. "Los Angeles has race riots, rampant street drugs, and the highest crime rate in America." "Hold on," said the first man. "I've lived in Los Angeles all my life, and it's not as bad as the media portrays. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school, and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?" "What do I do?" replied the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
	When all else fails, stay away from the forest. Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree." "You gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" "Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him ass naked and leaves. Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark ass naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says. "This just ain't your day."
A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important." Two days went by and the construction workers couldnt stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said "we are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important." The police said its not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important." "Well, who was it?" The 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion.
	It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?" Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad, it's called the twist!"
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Forty Niners' Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Niners' fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Oakland Raiders' Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Raiders' fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in the Bay Area was either for the Niners or Raiders. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Cowboys' fan." The child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
	Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now: No Jesus, No Wal-Mart, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties. No Home Depot. No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks, No gumbo, No jambalaya. More than one wife. Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. No chocolate chip cookies. No Christmas. You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition. Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I mean, really, IS THERE A MYSTERY HERE ??
Only a parent would understand!! As ham sandwiches go, it was near-perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh whole wheat bun, crisp lettuce, and plenty of expensive, light-brown, gourmet mustard. Salivating, the corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried the sandwich to the picnic table in our backyard; then, picked it up with both hands before being interrupted by my wife who was suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-month-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue hanging out! With a wash cloth, I quickly did a "shoeshine dance" on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard), my wife said: "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon'
	A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
I am not usually in scare-mongering and internet-based rumor spreading, however this came to me earlier to day and it is something I felt I ought to share. I am sure that like minded people will understand/appreciate this warning. Yesterday my Auntie's friend's daughter was on the on the train traveling from St. Louis to Chicago. A man of Arabic-appearance got off the train and she noticed that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him at the top of the stairs and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of bank notes. He offered her a reward, but she refused. So he looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to her: "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to with a word of advice for you." "Stay away from The Hard Rock Cafe". She was terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" she whispered. "No" he whispered back "I went there yesterday evening - the food was shit and the waitress was f*cking rude."
	These two good-old boys down in Louisiana are fishing in the bayou. They see their friend Jones in a boat out in the middle of the water. Shortly, the boat springs a leak, sinks, and so does Jones. They recall that he doesn't know how to swim. One looks at the other and says, "How we gonna tell the widow?" The other one says, "Never you mind about that! I'm known as the Silver-Tongued Orator in these parts because I'm so smooth, so downright articulate, so polished and sophisticated that I can make bad news sound good. I'll be so delicate, so sensitive, so sympathetic and kind that Jones's wife won't even see this as a tragedy. No, I'll put it to her in such a way as to let her see the positive benefits of this unhappy occurrence. The Silver-Tongued Orator can make bad news sound good." "Okay, bro - go for it." So, the two of them go over to the Jones house, and the Silver-Tongued Orator knocks on the door. Mrs. Jones answers the door. "Ah, tell me, would you be the Widow Jones?" "My name's Mrs. Jones, but I'm not widow." "The fuck you ain't."
A guy walks into the doctor's office with some sort of ailment. The doctor examines him and informs him that he has a tapeworm somewhere in his intestines. The guy of course asks what to do about it, and the doctor tells him to come back the next day with two apples and a cookie. The next day he comes back with the requisite items, and the doctor tells him to lower his pants and bend over. The guy reluctantly complies, and the doctor proceeds to shove the two apples and a cookie up the guy's bunghole. Then the doctor told him to come back the next day with the same three items. As before, the doctor shoves the food up the guy's bunghole, and this goes on for days. The guy finally gets exasperated and says, "Doc, how much longer does this have to go on?" The doctor replies, "Until tomorrow. This time bring two apples and a hammer." So the guy comes back the next day with two apples and a hammer. As before, the doctor shoves in the two apples, and waits with the hammer. After a minute, the tapeworm sticks his head out and says, "Where's my cookie?" WHAM!
	SLOT MACHINES Has it given anyone any thought that slot machines are like people? Some have large slits, some have small slits. Some have large melons, some have small melons. Some have large bananas, some have small bananas. Some have cherries, few have no cherries. Some have long handles, some have short handles. The ones with large bananas attract women. The ones with small slits attract men. Few give more than they receive. Some wait it to the right person, some give it at will. Some are computer literate, most are not. Women like the older, well used ones. Men like the younger, more fascinating ones. They all get abused at one time or another. Some get a lot of attention, some are get very little. Some don't tell you they're broke. Some lead you to believe they're rich. Some work harder than others. Some make more money than others. Some get it more than others. Some will mislead and take everything you have. None will let you know that it can't take any more. The thing I envy the most about slot machines is that they get it without ever having to ask!
A big-time television producer was in Chicago for a conference. In the evening, looking for a little relaxation, he went to a hole-in-the-wall club where he heard an extremely funny comedian. After the show he went up to the man to tell him how much he enjoyed the show and that he thought he might be able to make him a television deal. He asked the man's name which turned out to be Penis von Lesbian. He told the comedian that it might be better if he changed his name. The comedian replied that this name had been in the family for generations and it would be a slap in the face for his family. The producer went back to New York where he told the chairman of the board about his find. They flew him to N.Y. for an exclusive show in the penthouse suite for the chair. The chair agreed with the producer that this comedian would go far and told the comic that he was ready to sign him on the spot if he changed his name. The comedian thought about it and realized this was what he was after and told them, "OK, what did you have in mind?" They thought about it and then said, "How about Dick Van Dyke?
	Hitler, soon after killing himself, found himself, as he expected, in Hell staring at the Devil face to face. The devil, though, laughed. "You have been my faithful servant for a long time," he said. "Thus, you get a choice of the hell you will endure for eternity." He showed Hitler 3 doors. "Take your pick, I will be back later." The first door opened, and Hitler recoiled as he saw people burning in agony. "Not for me," he said. The second door opened, and Hitler saw people boiling in scalding water, screaming in agony. "Not for me," he said again. The third door opened, and Hitler saw a people standing knee-deep in dog shit, for as far as the eye could see, drinking coffee. The smell was pretty bad, but the coffee looked hot and delicious. "I think I'll take this," Adolph decided. With a grimace he took a cup of coffee and walked in, the shit squishing between his toes. Five minutes later, the devil walks in. "Okay, fellas. Coffee breaks over. Back on your heads!"
Last week, I went to the local Winn-Dixie, a large regional grocery chain in the southeast US, and paid with cash, as I have learned to do. The store doesn't accept credit cards and wants your date of birth and social security number on the check, despite large posters that say that a Valid Driver's License number is required. My bill amounted to $16.05. I pulled out a $20 bill and a dime. Then, as the young clerk was about to enter $20.10 as 'amounted tendered,' I said, "Wait. Here's another dollar bill; won't that help and make things easier?" She gave me this exasperated look, cleared the $20.10 she had been on the verge of entering, and punched in $21.10 as 'amount tendered.' When the CHANGE amount popped up, she said, "It means you get a five-dollar bill and a nickel," looking rather amazed. "I knew that," I said, "didn't you?" Another look, and a sullen "No!" like "how could I be expected to read-the mind of this cash register?" By way of explanation, I asked, "Surely you remember that from arithmetic!" "Look," she said, "I'm only in Algebra II !" Happy Shopping!
	A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!! One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!" The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurance - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child"
A man walked into a bar with another little man about a foot tall sitting on his shoulder. They both had a seat at the bar and the tall one ordered a Scotch. As soon as the bartender sat the drink in front of them the little short guy ran down the tall guy's arm, kicked the drink over and ran back up to his original position. The bartender, a worldly man, fixed another Scotch and again the little man ran down the arm, kicked the drink over and then resumed his position. "All right!!" the bartender growled. "Enough is enough. What's going on here?" The tall man sighed heavily and related this woeful tale. I used to live in deepest, darkest Africa. One day I was walking through the jungle when I heard a voice yelling "HELP! HELP!" Running toward the sound, I came to a pit of quicksand and there was a witchdocter up to his neck, sinking fast. Thinking quickly I threw him a vine and dragged him to safety. The witchdocter was so thankful he said he would grant me any one wish that I wanted. Without hesitation I told him I wanted a twelve inch prick... AND THERE THE LITTLE SONOFABITCH SITS...
	Oh SPAM(tm)! Oh SPAM(tm)! Gourmet delight! My food by day, my dreams by night. To carve, to slice, to dice you up - pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup. What shining deity from Olympus knelt down to the earth and hog butt smelt? Creating then man's eternal desire for swine entrails congealed by fire. On some corporate farm, a pig has died. Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside that cube of SPAM(tm) hidden in the can I now hold in my trembling hand. More than mere food, SPAM(tm) is for me a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee. Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses. My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes. Long have my arteries clogged to the sound of sizzling SPAM(tm) when there's no one around - furtively chewing or swallowing whole. Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal. Other processed meat products I've tried or declined Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pig's feet in brine. Though each may be tasty in different ways, none matches SPAM(tm) for gelatinous glaze. That glistening pinkness beckons me with gristle, fat, and BHT. Oh SPAM(tm), my SPAM(tm) - the taste, the smell! The sacred meat product, from Hormel.
Dear Abby, I am writing to your advice-column because of a serious problem I am facing. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U.S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supporters of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers. My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But--I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them. In your opinion, Abby: should I, or shouldn't I, let her know about my cousin who works for Microsoft?
	Farmer in Iowa got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says "Say, we're about evenly matched, you about we play for a five a hole?" The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
	A guy walks into a bar and notices he's the only one there, apart from the barkeep, who's on the phone. The barkeep signals him that he'll be with him in a minute. The guy nods and bellies up to the bar to wait. Suddenly, he hears a little voice say, "Hey, you're looking pretty Sharp today. New suit?" The guy looks around but can't see anyone else in the place. He hears the voice again. "Seriously...you are looking good, chum. Have you lost weight?" The guy looks around again and still doesn't see anyone. "Hello?" He asks. "Is someone speaking to me?" "You bet! I just had to say that I thought you were looking just super!" A bunch of other tiny voices suddenly rose in agreement. The guy realizes now that these voices are coming from a bowl of beer nuts on the bar in front of him. He stares at them as the Barkeep finally hangs up and comes to serve his only customer. "What'll you have?" asks the barkeep. "What?... Oh, a pint of ale, I guess", mutters the guy, still staring at the nuts. He finally looks up at the barkeep drawing his pint. "What's the deal with these nuts?" he asks. The barkeep brings the guy's pint over and sets it before him. "They're complimentary", he shrugs.
On our way up the Florida coast, Mary and I wanted to stop at a nude beach... to take in the sights. Not having any place to leave the girls, we decided to take them with us. It's not like they haven't seen naked people before. After we had settled in, Shannon ran up to me and asked, "Daddy, why do some women have really big chests, but some women have really tiny chests?" For lack of a better explanation, I told her, "Honey, that's because the women with the tiny chests are really smart, but the women with the big chests are really dumb." She bought it, and ran off to play. Later she asked Mary, "Mommy, why do some men have really big weinies, but some men have really tiny weinies?" In keeping with the theme, Mary replied, "That's because the men with the tiny weinies are really smart, but the men with big weinies are really dumb!" So she went back to building sand castles with her sister. Still later, Shannon ran back to Mary, screaming and yelling! "Mommy, Mommy! Is being dumb contagious?" "No," Mary said, "Why?" "Because Daddy's over there talking to some real dumb girl, and he's getting dumber and dumber the whole time!"
	SANDALS: This married couple were on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years-raw sexual power! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs. The Indian then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"
It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, "Give me Liberty, or give me death?" "She saw a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" Who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country and knows more about its history than you do. She then heard a loud whisper. "Darn Japanese." "Who said that, she demanded?" Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Suzuki's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed and said, "I'm gonna puke!" The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah! Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
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