Miscellaneous 5

Miscellaneous Jokes. Page 5
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There is a prominent, famous, widely recognized and highly respected cardiac physician in the Loma Linda, California area. He is quite wealthy and lives in a luxurious house with lovely grounds. His hobby is growing roses and he is almost as successful and capable at that as he is in his heart surgery. People often drive by his home to admire his prize winning roses. One day the physician, who is black, was dressed in his grubby clothes while tending to his prize roses. A wealthy matron in an expensive limo drove by the house, suddenly stopped, and backed up. She admired the roses awhile, and then rolled down the window and called out to the "groundskeeper", "Boy, hey boy, come over here." Turning and walking near the car, the black physician responded, "Yes mam, what can I do for you?" The matron said, "I want you to come grow roses for me. You do a good job, and I will pay you twice what you make now. Tell me, how much are you paid, so I can pay you twice what you get now?" The world famous black physician thought a moment, cocked his head, and said, "well, some of the benefits are hard to place a price on. For instance, one of my privileges is that the missus lets me sleep with her now and then."
	A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and then watches to see what she will do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know.
And older man was sidled up to the bar nursing a draft when another man sits down beside him an orders a pint for himself. The first one turns to the other and said: "Excuse me for asking, but did I detect a touch of the old sod in you voice?" "Aye. That ye did." "And what part of Ireland would you hail from. I ask because I'm Irish meself" "Ye don't say! I'm over from the Southeast, County Waterford it was, and Dungarvan was me home." "No! I don't believe it! My own self, I come from Dungarvan. Barkeep! Lets have a round for meself and me new Irish friend here! And what part of Dungarvan?" "Hillbury street" "No! I was BORN on Hillbury street." A few more rounds and both are really in their cups. "Tell me, now. Tell me. And..., and what was your mother's name?" This brought tears to his eyes. "Oh, my Sainted mother, dead these many years now. Her name, it was Mary." Now the other begins to cry. "My mother too was named Mary." Just then the phone rings and the barkeep answers: "O'Hallihan's bar. <pause> Oh, you know, same old, same old. Business is pretty good, but the wife's mad at me again. Seems I don't pay enough attention to her. And, oh yeah, the Murphy twins are sloshed again."
	A rich oil sheik was visiting the White House to discuss the oil trade with political bigwigs. His personal servant was attending to the sheik's every need, as was customary and expected. The sheik, never having tasted salted peanuts before, took an instant liking to them, and began munching them like you wouldn't believe. Naturally, the salt made the sheik thirsty, and he called to his servant to get him some water. His servant left the room and came back with a glass of nice, cold water. Munching some more on the peanuts, the sheik got thirsty again, and called to his servant to get him another glass of water. The servant immediately complied with his master's wishes, and returned in a jiffy with another glass of water. Really taken by the peanuts, the sheik virtually stuffed himself on them, and got a healthy thirst to match. He called to his servant to get him some more water, and off the servant went. This time, he came back empty handed. The servant apologized profusely, and begged his master's forgiveness. Furious, the sheik yelled and screamed at his servant, "You son of a flea-infested camel, why can't you bring me my water?!?" "But Master", begged the servant, "I cannot bring you your water because a white man sits on the well..."
It seems there was this yellow toad. All the green toads in the area used to pick on the yellow toad because he was so strangely colored. One day the toad had enough. He visited a wizard nearby. "Sir," asked the toad, after relating his sad story, "Can you change me from this yellow to green like all the other toads?" The wizard made some motions, said some words, and threw some dust and ... poof; the toad was turned green. All except his penis, that is, which remained yellow. "This won't do," the toad declared. "Well", says the wizard. "My powers are limited. This is the best I can do. But there's a much more powerful wizard over in the next county. Why don't you go see him?" "I will. How do I get there," asked the toad. The wizard gave the toad directions and sent him on his way. The very next visitor to the wizard was a pink elephant. ""Sir," asked the elephant. "Can you change me from this pink color to gray like all the other elephants?" Again the wizard made some motions, said some words, and threw some dust and ... poof; the elephant was turned gray. All except his penis, of course, which remained pink. "This won't do," the elephant declared. "Well", says the wizard. "My powers are limited. This is the best I can do. But there's a much more powerful wizard over in the next county. Why don't you go see him?" "I will. How do I get there," asked the elephant. "Easy, said the wizard. "Follow the yellow dick toad."
	Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy, on his way to Billings for a livestock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flappin, but still no plane comes. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?" The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's cause we ain't played Cowboys & Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a...comin'."
A group of nuns were traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly, they don't really know how. Luckily, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack and he yelled, "Son-of-a-bitch!" The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language." "Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost smashing his fingers. "Son-of- a-bitch," he yelled again. "Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us." "But I get so upset, and it just comes out." "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'" So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. And gain it slipped. He started to say "Son.." but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus, help me." At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself. The nuns looked at the car in wonder, exclaiming, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
	Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast. The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as "natural causes". Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDAAADDDYYYY!!!!!!!!" Her father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"
1st year --The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the Strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from Tosini's. I've already arranged it with the head nurse." 2nd year --"Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?" 3rd year --"Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something -- do we have any canned soup around here?" 4th year --"No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!" 5th year --"Why don't you take a couple aspirin?" 6th year --"You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!" 7th year --"For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."
	After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough. They could not afford a larger double-wide so, the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5.... ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
A handsome young fellow came walking into the bar and sat down next to a good looking little blonde. "Tickle your ass with a feather?", He asked her. "What did you say?", she responded. "I said it's particularly nasty weather", he replied. She finished her drink and departed. Later a good looking, long legged brunette walked in and sat down next to him. After she had ordered her drink and had a sip he leaned over and asked "Tickle you ass with a feather?", she replied, "Excuse me!" "It's particularly nasty weather" he said. She too left after finishing her drink. A drunk who had been watching and listening to this strolled over and asked "Hey buddy, what's going on here?" The young man told him to be quiet and just watch and listen, this was how he picked up all his dates. Later, with the drunk back in a corner, paying real close attention, a real good looking redhead walked in and sat down next to the young man. Just before she ordered he asked "Tickle your ass with a feather?" Sure, she replied and they departed together. The drunk thought hell, I can do that so he strolled over to a good looking young lady and ask "Stick a feather up your ass?" WHAT!, she hollered. "Pretty fucking cold outside isn't it?" He replied.
	A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. . .Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. . .It was fantastic. . .Are you a doctor?". . . "No," she says. "Divorce attorney."
I visit US, get treated regal, So I stay, who care I illegal? I cross ocean, poor and broke, Take bus, see employment folk. Nice man treat me good in there, Say I need to see welfare. Welfare say, "You come no more, We send cash right to your door." Welfare checks, they make you wealthy, Medicaid, it keep you healthy! I go to college, for me it's free, and now I have a Ph.D. By and by, I got plenty money, Thanks to you, American dummy. Write to friends in motherland, Tell them come as fast as you can. They come in turbans and Ford trucks, I buy big house with welfare bucks. They come here, we live together, More welfare checks, it gets better! Fourteen families they moving in, But neighbor's patience wearing thin. Finally, American moves away, Now I buy his house, and then I say, "Find more aliens for house to rent." And in the yard I put a tent. But they, too, draw the welfare cash! Everything is very good, And soon we own the neighborhood. We have hobby-- it's called breeding, Welfare pay for baby feeding. Kids need dentist? Wife need pills? We get free! We got no bills! American crazy! He pay all year, To keep welfare running here. We think America darn good place! Too darn good for the American race. If they no like us, they can scram, Got lots of room in Pakistan.
	Brooklyn Jewish Home for the Aged 3230 Ocean Parkway Brooklyn 10032, N.Y. Dear Mr. Harry Blier, I want to thank you so very much for the lovely gift of a clock radio. It is just wonderful that an absolute stranger like yourself would take the time off from his own business to remember people like me. I am 82 years old and I have been here at the home ten long years. They treat us well, but the loneliness is sometimes hard to bear. My roommate, Mrs. Eisenbladt, is a very nice person but very stingy. She has a radio but she never would let me use it, and she turns it off when I come into the room. Now, because of your thoughtfulness, I have my very own radio. My son and daughter-in-law are very nice and they visit me once a month. I appreciate it but also understand their sense of obligation. This makes your gift all the more wonderful, because it was given not out of a sense of duty, but from a feeling of compassion from a fellow human being. Today, Mrs. Einsenbladt's radio went out of order and she asked if she could use mine. I told her to go fuck herself. Yours very truly, Mrs. Yetta Greenspan Peace, Inez Harrison
The Bacon Tree Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train is lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. And then they see an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushes to him and says, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get something to eat?" "Vell," the old man says, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree." "A bacon tree?" asks the wagon train leader. "Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie." The leader goes back and tells his people that they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers ask. "Oh, you know Jews don't eat bacon." So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape and makes it back to the old man. The near-dead man starts shouting: "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! "We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone." The old man holds up his hand and says, "Oy, vait a minute," and gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"
	Two blokes were painting Concorde at Heathrow airport in London and it was taking a long time. They had just reached the wings and one goes, "Smell this paint, it smells like vodka!!" The other bloke says "Yeah, you're right, have a swig". So he takes a swig, and it is just about palatable. Come the end of the shift they have drunk 37 cans of paint between them and they are completely pissed. They stumble back to their homes and go straight to bed, nearly dead. The first bloke wakes up and he's got the biggest hangover of his life. He climbs out of bed and falls flat on his face. He looks at his feet and he notices that some little wheels have grown out the soles of his feet. "What the fuck..." he exclaims. He skates into the bathroom and he could not believe what he saw in the mirror. He had a 7 inch long pointy nose instead of his own, his shoulders were pushed back and his arms were now flattish "Oh, for fuck's sake..." Suddenly, the phone goes, he answers it and it was his mate from the day before. "Thank God you've phoned...I've got wheels on my feet, a long pointy nose, flat arms and I don't know what the fuck is going on..." The reply came, "Yeah, I know...whatever you do don't fart, I'm phoning from Bahrain!!"
A young mortician, having proved himself to the funeral home owner, was instated as the new Director and Head Mortician of a second Funeral Home. Several months had passed and the young mortician had performed his duties impressively. About 3:00am one Saturday as he was starting the preparation of a departed soul, he noticed a cork in the man's anus. Quizzically, he removed the cork. From the now open orifice he heard, in perfect tune: "YOU PICKED A FINE TIME TO LEAVE ME LUCILLE". He immediately replaced the cork. After a moment of complete surprise he again removed the cork. " ...THREE HUNGRY CHILDREN AND A CROP IN THE FIELD" Again he hurriedly replaced the cork. Not knowing what to think of this, he called his boss at home. " Sir you've got to come down here....I don't know what's going on, but you'd better hurry !!!" When the owner arrived he was still wiping the sleep from his eyes as the young mortician led him to into the room. "I know you wouldn't believe me if I told you....but listen to this. When he removed the cork they heard: "YOU PICKED A FINE TIME TO LEAVE ME LUCILLE" The young mortician replaced the cork and looked at the owner who by now was furious. " You stupid S.O.B." the owner boomed " You wake me in the middle of the night, make me drive all the way across town. Just so I can hear some ASShole singing COUNTRY MUSIC ?!?!?!
	TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC. 6944 Slippery Root Drive Bendover, Miss 10169 June 16,1989 Dear RE: Modeling contract We regret to inform you that your application to model TROJAN CONDOMS has been rejected. Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our board of directors feels that you do not achieve the positive, romantic image we are seeking for our product. A lose, baggy, and wrinkled condom does not promote a romantic image. (Your ingenious use of polygrip is admirable, but unfortunately even that did not result in securing our product in place long enough for photographs to be taken.) Your interest in TROJAN CONDOMS is appreciated, and we will retain your application on file in case the market for MICRO MINI CONDOMS ever shows the potential for developing. Along with our thanks to you, we send your wife (girlfriend or boyfriend) our deepest sympathy. Yours truly, Mr. Peter Skinner Director of Marketing TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC. PS:tle
The Perfect Couple Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer... The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke. Men keep's scrolling... So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
	Ok, this fag walks into a bar, and says to the bartender: Fag: I'll have a Shirley Temple. Bartender: I'm sorry but we don't serve your kind here... Fag: If you don't give me my Shirley Temple, I'll sick my dog killer on ya... Bartender: I'm sorry but we don't serve your kind here. Fag: Ok Killer sick 'im! So the dog jumps over the counter, pins the bartender to the wall, and says: B O W S I E W O W S I E! Q: What is green and red and running up your leg? A: A homesick abortion. What does a 500 lb. canary say? "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." There once was a beautiful little town, known as Triddsville. The town was one of the nicest towns to live in, except for one little thing... The new Rabbi came to town and found that everybody in town was covered with bruises. When he asked what happened, he was told about the local giant, that comes to town every weekend and kicks everybody in town, then leaves. The Rabbi was of course appalled, and vowed to stop the giant on the coming weekend. Saturday came, and sure enough, the giant arrived, and promptly started kicking everybody in sight. The Rabbi stepped in front of the giant and asked him to stop. The giant just laughed, and kicked another one. The Rabbi was so mad he told the giant that if he must kick somebody, then kick him. The giant replied, "Silly Rabbi! Kicks are for Tridds!"
Two fleas meet every year on the beach in Ft. Lauderdale Fl. One year the slightly older flea was on the beach basking in the 85 degree weather, with a drink in hand and checking out all the lovely bikini clad women. All of a sudden he heard this chattering sound from behind him. He turns around and to his horror sees his friend standing there with his teeth chattering and ice beginning to melt from his nose. The warm flea asks his friend "how come your so cold it's 85 degrees out here". The cold flea answers "you see it's like this, I got a ride down here, from Michigan, on the mustache of a guy driving down the road on a motorcycle". The warm flea says "No no son, that's not the way to do it. What you do is you go to a rest stop and go in the women's john. Right before she pulls up her panties, you jump in. You'll be warm as toast". The next year the warm flea is out on the beach, it's 85 degrees out, he's drinking his drink, wearing his shades when he hears this loud chattering sound again. He turns around and there's his friend freezing to death. The warm flea says, "What's wrong son didn't you do what I said"? The cold flea says "I sure did. I went into a Michigan rest stop and went into the women's john. Just before this women pulled up her panties I jumped in. It was so warm I fell asleep. The next thing I knew I woke up on the mustache of a guy driving down the road on a motorcycle.
	The service station trade was slow The owner sat around, With sharpened knife and cedar stick Piled shavings on the ground. No modern facilities had they, The log across the rill Led to a shack, marked His and Hers That sat against the hill. "Where is the ladies restroom, sir?" The owner leaning back, Said not a word but whittled on, And nodded toward the shack. With quickened step she entered there But only stayed a minute, Until she screamed, just like a snake Or spider might be in it. With startled look and beet red face She bounded through the door, And headed quickly for the car Just like three gals before. She missed the foot log - jumped the stream The owner gave a shout, As her silk stockings, down at her knees Caught on a sassafras sprout. She tripped and fell - got up, And then In obvious disgust, Ran to the car, stepped on the gas, And faded in the dust. Of course we all desired to know What made the gals all do The things they did, and then we found The whittling owner knew. A speaking system he'd devised To make the thing complete, He tied a speaker on the wall Beneath the toilet seat. He'd wait until the gals got set And then the devilish tike, Would stop his whittling long enough, To speak into the mike. And as she sat, a voice below Struck terror, fright and fear, "Will you please use the other hole, We're painting under here!"
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling: "You sign! You sign!". Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Sod off." and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelsons nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!" Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, sod off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then slams the door in his face again. The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Chinese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!". Behind him are TWO large trucks full of car parts. Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him: "look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"
	A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice. A little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the little voice. The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. A little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the little voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number ... 21. The little voice says, "Oops..."
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years. So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that beer! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Aim High, drink beer!
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