Miscellaneous Jokes. Page 7
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It was a dark, stormy night.
After snapping the last of his palm- dampened dollar bills into the
frazzled elastic of her g-string, she sent him packing precisely
three-eighths of a mile down Highway 20 to the spot where she'd promised
him a glorious glimpse of self-awareness.
It was a spot where he would discover a slight depression in the asphalt
and find himself quizzically contemplating the adjacent Department of
Transportation sign that read simply:
"Dip in Road." |
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"How cold was it?"
It was so cold, when we wanted to build a fire, we had to defrost the old one first.
It was so cold that as I drove to work, I saw a group of people pushing a house down the street, trying to push-start the furnace.
It was so cold that we emptied the freezer and sat inside it to warm up.
It was so cold, even the bears wore coats.
It was so cold I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
It was so cold the snowman knocked on the door and asked if he could sleep on the couch.
It was so cold my shadow froze to the ground.
It was so cold that snow flakes froze in mid air and birds had to hop from one to another to reach the feeder. |
A Man Goes Into The Unemployment Office In Los Angeles To Look At Job Openings On The Bulletin Board. Since There Aren't Many Jobs It Doesn't Take Him Long. Then, Just As He's On His Way Out, He Spots Something.
"Wanted," It Says, "Single Man, Willing To Travel, Must Have Own Scissors. $500 Per Day, Guaranteed, Plus Company Car And All Expenses."
Well, It Sounds A Bit Too Good To Be True, But He Makes A Note And Walks Up At The Counter. "I'd Like To Apply For This Job," He Says, "Reference Number E/784/B46."
"Oh, That One," Says The Clerk. That Is A Model Agency Right Here In Los Angeles. They Are Looking For A Pubic Hair Snipper." "The Agency Supplies Girls Who Model Underwear And Bathing Suits. Before They Go On The Catwalk, They'd Report To You And You Would Inspect Them Carefully And Snip Off Any Wisps Of Pubic Hair Showing. It Pays Well, But There Are A Few Drawbacks. It Involves Quite A Lot Of Travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London... That Sort Of Thing... And You Have To Get Used To Expense Account Living In First-Class Hotels."
"I Reckon I Could Learn To Live With All That," Says The Fellow. I'd Really Like To Apply For The Job." The Clerk Shrugs And Says, "Ok, Here's An Application Form And A Bus Ticket To Fresno."
"Fresno? What Do I Wanna Go To Fresno For?"
"Well," Says The Clerk, "That's Where The End Of The Application Line Is At The Moment!" |
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"I gotta tell you," the old fart said to his buddy Jud, "I really owe you big-time for giving
Mrs. old fart the idea for a swear jar. After two days, I already piled up over six dollars, at 50 cents per 'fuck'!"
"50 cents a fuck!" exclaimed Jud. "That's a damn sight cheaper than in MY trailer park... oh wait, that ain't what you meant, was it?" |
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her? "
Mike replies : Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss. The teacher says: That would be very rude and improper on your part.
Johnny replied : I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute. The teacher says : That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant.
And Charlie says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
The teacher passed out |
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A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..." |
Customer at a counter of a lawn ornament shop "Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of the sun- flowers, and one of those bent-over grandma in bloomers."
Cashier's reply "That'll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten dollars for the flamingos, six dollars for the sunflowers, and an apology to my wife!" |
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I think this is one of the most heartless scams tried...Please warn all your older lady acquaintances....
This new scam is being pulled mainly on older women who are apparently past the age of giving a running pursuit. What happens is that when the intended victim stops for a red light, a completely nude and good looking, nicely tanned, unbelievably well enhanced young man comes up. With muscles flexing, and body stretched to its full potential, he pretends to wash your windshield. While he is doing this, another person opens the back door of your car, taking anything you have in the car. They are very good at this. They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday--- I couldn't find them on Sunday. |
Q. What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes. |
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A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.
The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.
The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.
As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee.
The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders.
As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, in desperation she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.
After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"
The man says, "Two's fine."
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!" |
Eight people were sitting at a
well laid, sumptuous meal table, and had just finished a course which
included absolutely delicious sausages. There was one solitary sausage
left on the serving platter. The host encouraged the diners to finish
off the last sausage, but all the guests were too polite to accept the
sausage, even though they all would have loved to have the last sausage.
They were still busy declining politely when the lights went out.
In the darkness there was a terrible scream, and when the lights came
back on a terrible scene met the diners' eyes...the sausage on the
platter had a hand over it and the hand had 7 forks embedded in it! |
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A father watched his young
daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet
and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of
nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared
at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured
her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy,
what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question,
he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having
any of that Brokeback Mountain shit in this garden." |
Two young Martians were
travelling past Earth one day when they noticed two kids rollerblading
at breakneck speed along the foot path.
"How on Earth do they do that?" said one of the Martians?
The two young Martians were so impressed that they swooped down straight
away, knocked out the 2 Californians and made off with their
rollerblades.
Their mother was angry with them when they got back to Mars. "You're
late for your dinner again and ... where on Earth did you get those?!?!" |
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"Late again," the third-grade
teacher said to Little Johnny. (When anyone was late for school, it
usually was Little Johnny.)
"It ain't my fault." Miss Crabtree, "You can blame this on my Dad. The
reason I'm three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!" Now Miss
Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she
asked Little Johnny what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, Little
Johnny and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You
see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The
last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And
last night when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his
gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!"
"Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!"
He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen
house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that
double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the
darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke
up and come asneakin' up behind Dad. Then we all looked on plumb
helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin'.
"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this
mornin'!" |
An Australian tour guide was
showing a group of American tourists the Top End On their way to Kakadu
he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man
or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.
The Americans were incredulous.
Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and
discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one
ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the
air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the
prostrate Aborigine.
"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you
listening for?" The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is
a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end
is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas
in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof
rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and
detailed knowledge.
"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one. The Aborigine
replied, "I fell out of the fucking thing about half an hour ago!" |
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My wife and I were sitting at a
table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,
"Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?" |
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid
bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist
and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.
The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head
of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it
"Are you the one who killed my brother?"
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they
care about is, "What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw
next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the
French." |
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Standing at the edge of the
lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to
swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said,
"My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a
hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes he reached
the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing
her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my
hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I
thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much
do I owe you?" |
A man wrote a letter to a small
hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well
groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep
him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been
operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a
dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've
never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and
disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes,
indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for
you, you're welcome to stay here, too!" |
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Some time ago, I was taking a
ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather,
the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of
going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g.,
frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without
first going through the liquid stage.
Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor
asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight
from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer), a previously
unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately
emitted the word "burrito."
It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure. |
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