Miscellaneous Jokes. Page 8
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There was once a great actor who
could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre
where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one
line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold
the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose
deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his
line over and over again. Finally, the time comes. The curtain goes up,
the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the
line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the
director is steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cries. "You have ruined me!" The actor is
bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screams the director. "You forgot the rose!" |
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A man was driving to work when a
truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold.
Passers-by pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a
terrific struggle as it seemed he didn't want to be taken, and had to be
tranquilized by the medics.
Later, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the
impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge,
flashing 'SHELL' sign - and somebody was standing in front of the 'S'" |
| When things start going bad,
make sure you find yourself upwind of the shit storm. |
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There's a story about an MIT
student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field
every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down
the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the
field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of
the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the
referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to
be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the
field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated. |
A Welsh farmer walking through
his field, notices a man drinking out of a pond.
The Welsh farmer shouted: 'Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi cachu
un a for.' Which means: 'Don't drink the water the cows have shit in
it.'
The man shouts back: 'I'm an Iranian muslim, I don't understand. Please
speak in English.'
The Welsh farmer says: 'Use two hands, it holds more'!!! |
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During the sentencing phase of
the man just convicted of murdering his wife, my friend Lamar, the
prosecutor, was addressing the jury:
"Note, members of the jury, that the accused whom you have just
convicted, is not a new-comer to the criminal justice system. He's just
been found guilty of strangling his wife with his bare hands, but she
was his THIRD wife!!! He also served time--twice--after his first and
second wife were both found dead under the strangest of coincidences.
Both had just ingested poisoned mushrooms. Now I turn to the defendant
and ask him pointblankly, 'Why did you strangle your third wife?' "
"Uh," responded the defendant, "she didn't like mushrooms.." |
A very loud, unattractive, mean
woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at
them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.
The oldest one's 9 and the oth er one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice....!!!! |
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