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Severe thunderstorm warning: Meteorological term meaning that a severe thunderstorm is in the area. How to determine whether a severe thunderstorm warning is in effect: Look at your car. If you have washed it in the past 24 hours, severe weather is on its way. If it is a new vehicle, expect hail. What you should do in the event of a severe thunderstorm warning: Look at your computer. If it is running Linux or Mac OS, unplug it. If it is running Windows, check your homeowner's policy. Maybe God and Allstate will give you a free upgrade if you leave it plugged in.
Tornado watch: Meteorological term meaning that conditions are right for a funnel cloud to form. We have another term for this in the Midwest: Summer. How to determine whether a tornado watch is in effect: Find your town on a map of 66. If your town is located anywhere between Springfield, IL, and San Jon, NM, get out a calendar. If the date is later than March 31 but earlier than October 1, a tornado watch is probably in effect for your area. What you should do in the event of a tornado watch: Observe the people around you. If you see someone watching the weather report and looking nervous, say, "Boy, you ain't from around here, are you?" Offer to buy him a beer to ease his jittery nerves.
Tornado warning: Meteorological term meaning that a funnel cloud has been sighted. How to determine whether a tornado warning is in effect: Go to the nearest trailer park. If you see some redneck standing next to a doublewide, holding a camcorder up to his face and waving a can of PBR in the general direction of the sky, a tornado warning is probably in effect for your area. (Note: This method only works during the day. At night, this sort of behavior just means Bubba's been watchin' the X- Files again.) What you should do in the event of a tornado warning: Get the hell out of the trailer park. Go home and stand in your front yard, staring at the sky and drinking beer with your neighbors. If the sky suddenly turns green or black, move the party into the basement.
Tornado siren: Emergency warning device designed to go off at 10 a.m. the first Tuesday of every month, or approximately 45 minutes after the end of a given storm. What you should do if you hear a tornado siren: Come on out of the basement. Around here, by the time they get the sirens working, the storm is long gone.
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