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Fred Allen 1894-1956, American
Comedian, Radio Star
* A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well
known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
* A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but
together can decide that nothing can be done.
* A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent
can do even better.
* An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
* California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
* Ed Sullivan will last as long as someone else has talent.
* Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and
quoted.
* He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in
both eyes.
* I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he
can easily buy one for a few dollars.
* I didn't make it in television because of ill health. I made people sick.
* I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
* I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
* I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the
case, and got my tuition back.
* I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
* I've finally figured out why they call television a medium. It's because
nothing in it is well done.
* Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on
the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in
one with you.
* The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
* The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own
hand.
* There's an old saying that if all the politicians in the world were laid
end to end, they'd still be lying.
* (To a member of the audience who started laughing before he'd delivered
his punchline) Which one are you working on ?
* What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
* When I take off this superman tweed I'm so skinny underneath. When I take
a bath I have to starch my ears to keep from going down the drain.
* When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are back in
the cat.
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