Funny movie quotes from the Marx Brothers' Monkey Business

Groucho : Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Groucho : Mrs. Briggs, I've known and respected your husband Alky for many years. And what's good enough for him is good enough for me. (He suddenly grabs her and pulls her down onto a couch.)

Groucho : ...Columbus was sailing along on his vessel...

Chico : On his what?

Groucho : Not on his what, on his vessel. Don't you know what vessel is?

Chico : Sure, I can vessel ... (starts whistling)

Groucho : That's what I always say. Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo

Groucho : Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.

Groucho : How about you and I passing out on the veranda, or would you rather pass out here?

Woman at party : Sir, you have the advantage of me.

Groucho : Not yet I haven't, but wait till I get you outside.

(Describing the stowaways)

Groucho : So do I. If I had my choice I'd go around with a little blonde.

Captain Concoran : I said, one goes around with a black moustache.

Groucho : Well, you couldn't expect a moustache to go around by itself. Don't you think a moustache ever gets lonely, Captain?

Chico : Hey, sure it gets-a lonely. Hey, when my grandfather's beard gets here I'd like it to meet your moustache.

Groucho : Well, I'll think it over. I'll talk it over with my moustache. Tell me, has your grandfather's beard got any money?

Chico : Money? Why, he fell hair to a fortune.

Groucho: You're just wasting your breath, and that's no great loss either.

Groucho : If you look at it, it's a barn. If you smell it, it's a stable.

Groucho : I know, heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns.

Groucho : With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now.

Groucho : You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.

Gibson, First Mate: Who are you?

Groucho: I'm the tailor.

Gibson, First Mate: Oh, that reminds me, where are my pants?

Groucho: You've got 'em on.

Groucho : Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much?"

Groucho : Madam, before I get through with you, you will have a clear case for divorce, and so will my wife.

Manicurist: Do you want your nails trimmed long?

Chico: Oh, about an hour and a half. I got nothin' to do.

Groucho: Oh no, you're not gonna get me off this bed.

Thelma Todd: I didn't know you were a lawyer. You're awfully shy for a lawyer.

Groucho: You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.