Quotes
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Quotes From the 50's
Airline Quotes
Chicken Quotes
Groucho Marx Quotes
Rodney Dangerfield
Tribute to Bob Hope
Andy Rooneyisms
More Groucho Marx
More Notable Quotes
When Insults had Class |
Hollywood Squares Quotes
Notable Quotes
Steven Wright Quotes
Student Quotes
More Quotes
Carnac the Magnificent
Paul Lynde on the Hollywood Squares
Quotes about Dogs
Barry Goldwater Quotes
Fred Allen Quotes
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are some of our favorite quotes. How many are true and how many are merely
internet legends is unknown; nevertheless, we find them entertaining. |
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| Dave Barry:
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
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You Might Be Anal-Retentive If...
...you fold your dirty clothes before putting them in the hamper.
...you organize your closet by color, season, and fabric.
...you require no less than 200 threads per inch on your sheets...
...and they are tucked so tightly that you really could bounce a quarter on them.
...you have to have all boxes in the kitchen facing the same way and in order by size.
...you have all your canned goods organized by type, flavor, and use...
...and they're all facing the front.
...you alphabetize your spices.
...you're on a "calorie-counting" diet and you count the calories in the hot sauce on your "Big Beef Burrito Supreme".
...you collect the little postcards in magazine issues...
...for recycling.
...all your books, CDs, and movies have to be in alphabetical order.
...you remove the tires to wash inside the wheel-wells of your vehicle.
...you flame every person who sent you email because the emails weren't spelled correctly or
grammatically correct.
...every e-mail reply that you send has been through a grammar checker...
...and you correct the original message.
...you actually bothered trying to convince someone that the 3rd millennium
began on Jan 1, 2001. |
From the book Brain Droppings by George Carlin:
People Who Should Be Phased Out
* Guys who harmonize the last few notes of "Happy Birthday."
* People over 40 who can't put on reading glasses without making self-conscious remarks about their advancing age.
* Guys who wink when they're kidding.
* Men who propose marriage on the giant TV screen at a sports stadium.
* Guys in their 50s who flash me the peace sign and really mean it.
* People with a patch of natural white hair who think it makes them look interesting.
* Guys with creases in their jeans.
* Guys who want to shake my hand even though we just saw each other an hour ago.
* Guys who wear suits all day and think an earring makes them cool at night.
* Old people who tell me what the weather used to be where they used to live.
* Men who have one long, uninterrupted eyebrow.
* Guys who wink and give me the peace sign simultaneously.
* People who say, "Knock knock," when entering a room and, "Beep beep," when someone is in their path.
* People who have memorized a lot of TV-show theme songs and are really proud of it.
* People who give their house or car a name.
* People who give their genitals a name.
* Guys who can juggle, but only a little bit.
* Actors who drive race cars.
* Men who wear loafers without socks. Especially if they have creases in their jeans.
* Athletes and coaches who give more than a hundred percent.
* Guys who still smell like their soap in the late afternoon.
* Guys who wear their watches on the inside of their wrists.
* Any man who wears a suit and tie to a ballgame.
* Guys who flash me the thumbs-up sign. Especially if they're winking and making the peace sign with the other hand.
Copyright 1997, Comedy Concepts, Inc. |
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Without Forethought
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
- Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
Nuts About You......
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
- Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
Strip Mall......
My husband and I took our three kids out shoe shopping one day. We were going from store to store, and the kids were getting restless. At one crowded store, I was standing near a bench when my 3-year-old climbed up on it, grabbed hold of my elastic-waist shorts, and jumped off-pulling both my shorts and my underwear to the floor. I raced out of there, much to the delight of the appreciative onlookers.
- Patricia Lamond-Stocksick, 35, Lathrop, CA
Curl up and die.....
I once walked into a hair salon- with my husband and three kids in tow -- and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
- Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX
Pad, please!.....
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
- Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC
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Jack Benny was walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulled out a gun and demanded, "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence followed.
"Your money or your life!" the thug repeated. Finally Benny said, "I'm thinking!" |
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Quotes for dog lovers
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." - Will Rogers
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" - Anne Tyler
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare, and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." - M. Facklam
"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate." - Sigmund Freud
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." - Anonymous
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, often continued in the next yard." - Dave Barry
"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." - Franklin P. Jones
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." - Penny Ward Moser
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." - Fran Lebowitz
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." - Ben Williams
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." - Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andrew A. Rooney
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." - James Thurber
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein
Ever wonder why your dog always goes over to the neighbor's house to take a dump? I don't. |
| Notable
Quotes
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -Steven Seagal
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -Jeff Foxworthy
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." -Robin Williams
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." -Dave Barry
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" -Marilyn Pittman
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." -Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study Huh?" -Conan O'Brien
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. I could be eating a slow learner." -Lynda Montgomery
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." -Roseanne
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" -Richard Jeni
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." -Jerry Seinfeld
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." -Oscar Wilde
"Ah, yes, divorce....from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet," -Robin Williams
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" -Dave Barry
"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car." -Author Unknown
Advice for the day If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"-Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey |
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