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Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two placed as close together as possible.
~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea...visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir -- mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain
My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
~Les Dawson
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misfortune.
~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money
~Henny Youngman
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "shut up".
~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~Unknown
Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- As you grow older, it will avoid you!
~Unknown
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Unknown
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
~Unknown
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good -- spit it out.
~Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Unknown
I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the manmade sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.
~Alfred Hitchcock
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