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(Ad he did for a local student radio station:) Whenever I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town, they mail it to me.
(Referring to a glass of water) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
A friend of mine is into voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and ... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store ... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach ... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
For a while I didn't have a car. I had a helicopter. No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [Slow glance upward.]
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.
Four years ago ... no, it was yesterday.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I bought some batteries. But they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I collect rare photographs. I have two. One of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish swim into each other. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another 10 guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
I eat Swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I got a garage-door opener. It can't close. Just open.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So, I pushed "Phoenix." A few seconds later, the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in. We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?" The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money." I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon ... and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go."
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back ... boy, were they mad!
I had amnesia once or twice.
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
I had my coat hangers spayed.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I have a friend name Dennis. Both his parents are midgets, but not Dennis. He's a midget dwarf. He's the guy who poses for trophies.
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
I have a map of the United States. It's original size. It says one mile equals one mile.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
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