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Yesterday, I had one of my
conversations with God (Hey, if Pat Robertson can do it, so can I) and below
are His answers to some of my questions.
- "I have no idea where that fish thing came from. If I was going to make a
secret symbol, I would have used the hydrogen atom, or maybe the number
eight lying on it's side as the symbol for infinity, not a fish.
- "And the Cross, why is everybody so hung up on that? It's like a
guillotine or an electric chair. Why are you all wearing something morbid
like that around your neck?"
- "ME curing cancer? Here's how you cure cancer: make it cool for a kid to
grow up to be a scientist than it is for him to be an athlete or a Pop Star.
That's how you cure cancer. Also, teach your girls to dig scientists,
that'll do it."
- "I rested on the 7th day? I don't need 'rest'. I just took the weekend off
because I was bored with the whole thing."
- "You don't believe in Aliens? Ha! Aliens don't believe in you, either. In
fact, countless trillions upon trillions of aliens don't believe in you. And
they don't care, either. But they were rooting for the chick on American
Idol."
- "Praying to Me? What for? Rosary Beads are a crutch. And so is the wafer.
Move on."
- "No, I didn't give Moses the Ten Commandments. I gave him the Fifty- Eight
Commandments. I guess he just didn't want to burden the people with so many
interdictions."
- "No, I did not destroy Sodom and Gomorrah. What do I care about two- bit
cities? I'm God, for Me's sake! I only see the big picture. Besides, I
thought they were fun places."
- "The angels? Bunch of fairies."
- "No, you can never travel through time. It's a problem with physics, it
won't work. If it did, everybody would be going back to meet Jesus and he'd
never get any work done."
- "Christmas? Pagan holiday. I had nothing to do with it."
- "People die for me?? Ask Pat Robertson to die for Me, see how far you'd
get! Heck, most of you wouldn't even attend church if it didn't have air
conditioning.
- "The Jews are not 'chosen' they're just smarter than their enemies, that's
all there is to it. Jews put much more emphasis on science, and whoever
knows the most about science wins. It's that simple."
- "It took me years to get him to figure that out. I was planting E=MC2 in
Einstein's dreams for 20 years before he finally got it."
- "If the Bible was My Word, I would have put my name on it and I wouldn't
let it be rewritten a million different ways. The Bible was supposed to be a
nice story book about happy things and some poetry and some history. Now
look at it. There are more books explaining what I supposedly meant in the
Bible than there are Bibles. Read Harry Potter for a change, those are
fantastic stories."
- "Nostradamus was a hoot. Ha! Ha! Ha! I liked that one. I truly enjoyed
much of his poetry, and I should have had him work on the Bible, it would've
been more entertaining.
- "Revelations was written by John while he was hopped up on wacky weed.
Don't read anything into it."
- "Here's a clue: if any person claims to be acting in MY name, but is
making a ton of money doing it, he's a fraud. I don't need money. Mother
Theresa is the only one recently I can recall who had my stamp of approval."
- "Jerry Falwell is a nut, and I can prove it."
- "And that reminds me, I'm going to be issuing Man of God I.D. cards soon,
and precious few of your ministers are going to get one. It's time to get
serious about this before organized religion blasts you all back into the
dark ages."
- "My 'Ways' are only mysterious because you spend all your time following
celebrities instead of studying science. Every answer is in quantum physics
and DNA. Figure it out. How old is the Earth? Ask the Earth. How come nobody
is asking me if it will ever be possible to fly? Because you figured that
one out already! Same with the others."
- "You call them miracles, I called them Magic Tricks. Again, it's just
physics. Figure it out."
- "Yes, the future will be exactly like Star Trek. Do you think Gene
Roddenberry dreamt all that up by himself?
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