Religious Jokes

Jokes About Religion
The Pope's Research Dog & Cat in the Garden of Eden Honk if you Love Jesus Leprechaun Nuns Saw the Pope Coming School Prayer IRS Audit Catholic Dictionary The New Pope A Man and his Dog were Walking one Day... Noah in 2005 Jewish One-Liners The Drug Problem Bears and Religion The Old Irish Priest	More Religious Jokes Still more Religious Jokes! Trip to Rome ...And God Made Washington Redneck Church Jews got the Ten Commandments Noah's Ark Shark Fishing An Atheist was walking through the woods The New Lover Give us this day our daily bread The Bible According to Kids The Answers Good News and Bad News for a Pastor
The New Priest There was once a newly ordained priest who joined the staff of a large, well-to-do parish. His boss, the senior priest, had been there for many years and was steeped in wisdom. The young priest was very full of himself, having taken a number of prizes for preaching in seminary. He was particularly proud of his efforts in the pulpit. Indeed, he said to his boss one day, "Father, there is not a subject in the world that I could, at the drop of a hat, find a Biblical text for and then be able to preach a sermon." The senior priest decided to put his young charge to the test. "Well, my boy," he said, "don't you be preparing any sermon for mass next Sunday. Instead, when you get into the pulpit you will find a sealed envelope which I will have put there. Inside the envelope there will be a single sheet of paper on which I will have written a one word topic. I defy you to find any kind of text that will fit." The young priest looked forward to the test with relish. The day came. He ascended the stairs into the pulpit. His boss was squirming with anticipation. The young man opened the envelope, glanced at the sheet of paper on which was written the one word, "CONSTIPATION", and proclaimed: "And Moses took the two tablets and went off down the mountain....."
	"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month". Nookie Green seems to be very popular with my male parishioners the priest thinks. Then he tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's." Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest has to ask, "Who is Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." The priest leaves the church wondering, who in the world is Nookie Green? The next morning in church the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, Then suddenly a gorgeously tall woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and way too short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and alter boys gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress, sits with her knees slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the alter boy and asks, sotto voce, "Is that Nookie Green?" The alter boy's eyes are popping out of his head as he replies, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes"
The rabbi was visiting a catholic priest just about the time the priest was to listen to confessions. So... he invited him to listen in and see how it was done. The first to confess was a young lady that said she had cheated on her husband three times. She was told to put $5.00 in the poor box and say 10 "Hail Mary's". The second to confess was also a young lady that said she had cheated on her husband three times. And she too was told to put $5.00 in the poor box and say 10 "Hail Mary's". Then a sister called the priest to answer an important phone call. The rabbi was persuaded to sit in while he was away at the phone. The next to confess was a young lady that said she had cheated on her husband. "Three times? Right?" asked the rabbi. "No Father, just once." "Well then go back and do it twice more. We are running a special this week!" "Oh, thank you Father!"
	The First Sermon The new Priest at his first Mass was so afraid he could hardly speak. So before his second week, he asked his Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor told him it might help him to relax if he put martinis in the water pitcher and after a few sips he should relax. The next week the young Priest followed the instructions and really talked up a storm. After the sermon he asked his superior how he had done. The Monsignor replied "fine, but there are a few things you should keep in mind before you address the congregation again: " Next time sip the martinis, don't gulp them by the glassful. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 Disciples, not 10. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. Don't refer to Jesus our Savior as "J.C. and the boys." Next Sunday there is a taffy pull at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at Taffy's. Don't refer to the Cross as the "big T." The Father, son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. And last, but not least, it's the Virgin Mary, not Mary with the cherry.
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner" And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist!
	One day, while cutting a branch over the water, a woodcutter accidentally dropped his axe into the water. When he cried out, an angel appeared asking why he was crying. The woodcutter recounted what happened and needed that axe to make his living. The angel dove into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the angel asked. "No," the woodcutter replied. The angel again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" he asked. The woodcutter shook his head. The angel again went down and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" Finally, "Yes." The angel was pleased with the man's honesty so gave him all three axes to keep. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank when she fell into the river. When he cried out, the angel again appeared to ask, "Why are you crying?" "My wife has fallen into the water!" So the angel went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the angel asked. "Yes!", cried the woodcutter. The angel was furious. "You lousy liar!" The woodcutter reproached with "Please forgive me! It's just that had I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT is why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez." The moral of this story: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason and always for the benefit of others.
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the Beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a Beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is used for washing our hair." The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."

Jokes About Religion