A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look
on his upturned face, "without you, we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient
little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother
and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
"Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point...
A catholic Priest, a Protestant Minister, and a Jewish Rabbi were debating when life begins:
The Catholic Priest said, "life begins at conception."
The Protestant Minister said, "No, no, life begins when the umbilical cord is cut!"
The Jewish Rabbi said, "You're both wrong! Life begins when the kids move out and the dog dies"
Harry is driving to a very important business meeting, but, when he gets there, he can't find a place to park. He drives around, he waits, he even tries a bit farther away, but all in vain. So in desperation he looks up at the sky and says, "Oh Lord, if You will find me a parking place in the next 5 minutes, I promise You I will stop gambling, I'll eat only kosher food, I'll stop going with shiksas and I'll observe shabbes properly."
Almost immediately, he sees a car pulling out of its parking place and quickly takes its place. Again Harry looks up at heaven and says, "Oh Lord, there's no need for You to find me a parking place - I've already found one."
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so
he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a
couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your
chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,' and
'I understand, how did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those
things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"
The trouble with Israel began with Moses, who turned out
to be a failure as an executive.
When he forecast the famine and led the children out of Egypt he was right
and it was a good executive decision.
They came to the Red Sea and he parted the waters for them. That too was a
good executive decision.
Then when the people became fractious he went up the mountain and brought
back laws written on stone tablets and that was a good executive decision.
Finally, they came to the top of the Sinai Desert and Moses had only one
decision left to make. Would they go left or right? Moses said, "Left." The
Jews got oranges and the Arabs got the oil. Moses made a BAD executive
decision.
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to
wear a head covering in order to enter a church. One Sunday a lady arrived
without her head covering. The priest informs her she cannot enter without
it.
A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse tied to her
head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy
place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I can see that. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must
wear a blouse to enter this church."
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a
convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much loved
roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this
area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, eager to increase his garden
knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors."
Back to Religious Jokes Home
