senior jokes

Senior Jokes
Senior Jokes 2 Seven Dwarves of Menopause Aging, or how to Reverse it Forgotten Words Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder How his leg got broken Guilty or Not guilty? The Power of Love	Old Geezers Sex & Old People This won't Happen to us! Senior Citizens are constantly being Criticized! Granny's Car Pool A Senior's Response Do You Remember When? Changing Times in America Crabby old Man
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
	My long passed-away grandfather's birthday is coming up and for me, it is a time to reminisce about the long walks and the long drives we used to take. He would make special trips to pick me up so that I could spend the weekends with him. Oh, and the advice he used to give! Too bad much of it was wasted because I was relatively young when he died. If he were alive today and passing down his gems of wisdom you could bet I'd be a better man. Some of the pearls he'd given me I've never forgotten. I would accompany him on his daily walk and he would point out various things worth noticing. "That tree there is a Japanese elm. They grow fast." or "During the great depression I fed every wayfarer that crossed our doorstep." Those things were well and good, but the thing I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice came as we were weeding his garden. We were working around the hot peppers when he paused, looked me in the eye and said, "Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your dick look smaller."
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks, greasy food and barbecued ribs? I said, "No, I've heard that grease and "red meat" are very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun?" he asked. "No, I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around?" "No," I said, "I've never done any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why in the hell do you want to live to be 80?"
	Three old pilots are walking on the ramp. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
	As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the 401. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
	A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking...surely I cannot look that old? If so, you may enjoy this short story. While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1971. Why?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and then the son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
	I knew it......I knew it! I knew they would finally disclose the ingredients in Viagra! 3% Vitamin E 2% Aspirin 2% Ibuprofen 1% Vitamin C 5% Spray Starch 87% Fix-A-Flat

Senior Jokes