adult jokes

Jokes About Sex
Cybersex Dating Rules for my Daughter Magic Troll I'm a Retrosexual! Advice... Texas Rancher	Equal Opportunity Bashing Sex Drive The Witness The Rubber Hut The Wedding Ring As Time Goes By...
Brian and Sarah are staying in a hotel and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settle down, Brian (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly "Ahh, my precious one! The night is yet young and you, my dear, my darling, you are ravishing. How can I sleep lying next to one such as you?" Sarah takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Brian jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone, "Oh my precious, my sweet! Are you all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, Sarah goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Brian looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch."
	Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."
At the morning breakfast table Mom, Dad and the Sally the 4 year old daughter are all enjoying breakfast, when Sally looks at here mother and asks, when I die am I going to heaven feet first?? Sally's mother quite astonished and bewildered looks at Sally asks why she would ever ask a question like that?? Well Mom last night when you sent me to bed I was going by the Maid's room and she was lying on her bed with her feet in the air yelling "O'God I'm coming, O'God I'm coming" and I'll bet that if it wasn't for dad holding her down she would have went!
	Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of having to buy condoms, something I hadn't had to do for better than twenty years. The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some help. He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you can't find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more. At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he recommended. He replied "The condom made of lamb's intestine has a more natural feel." I said "Not to us city boys."
A man is going to work one day and accidentally slams his penis in the car door. Goes to the doctor, and the doctor says, "We're going to have to put a splint on that." The guy says, "No way Doc, I'm getting married in a week." The Doc replies "Well if we don't, it's going to be bent for the rest of your life." Finally the guy agrees, and the doctor gets out a couple of tongue depressors and some tape and fixes him up. A week later, and he's on his honeymoon. His new wife is doing a slow, seductive strip-tease in front of him. She takes off her bra and says, "See these, they've never been touched by a man before." She then takes off her panties and says, "See this, it's never been seen by a man before." So the husband whips off his shorts and says, "See this, it's not even out of the crate yet!"
	"Bless me Father, for I have sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?" "I lusted," Steve replied. "Tell me about it," the priest said. Steve then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And she asked seductively if I would like to come in." "And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest. "Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man. "Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son." "A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" Steve asked. The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you dumb ass."
There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do and didn't care who he hurt. The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there and he was very happy. One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other. Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with You. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde. It hardly seems like a punishment". God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."
	A man takes a trip to Japan and on his last night has sex with a geisha girl. About a week after he got home, his penis began to change different colors--orange, red, green, blue, etc. This scared him into going to the doctor. His doctor took one look at him and said "I've got to operate and cut it off of you! It'll kill you!" The guy leaves the doctor's office in utter terror. He has a brainstorm and seeks out a Japanese physician, figuring that perhaps he's seen this before. He goes into the doctor's office, drops his pants and says, "have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Ah, so, Tokyo Geisha disease! See all the time in old country. No biggie." The guy, relieved, said, "my doctor was going to operate and cut it off!" "Operation? Nah, you no need operation. Three, four day fall off all by self."
A couple gets married, and the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs. "Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his chest! I can't make love to him, it's disgusting!" The mother says to her, "He's your husband, you do what he wants you to. Now go back upstairs." When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother, "Momma, Momma! It's terrible! He has hair all over his legs!" The mother tells the girl, "Look, he is your husband, you are his wife. You go back upstairs and do what he wants." The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs. "Momma, Momma! He's got a foot and a half!" "You stay here," says the mother. "I'll go upstairs."
	A lot of you are under the impression that "Flatbush" is a term denoting a person from an area of Brooklyn, a borough in New York City. Not so. That term was coined in the 60's when the girls first started wearing skin-tight jeans.
A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her while stationed in Saudi Arabia. So she sends him a very special care package. He is very excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce." Now that's a Dear John letter...
	A doctor and his patient As she lay there dozing next to me, a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax...; you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." But, another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian!"

Jokes About Sex