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Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.
Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.
Q: If your wife keeps coming from the kitchen to nag you, what've you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. Why is it hard to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A. Because men fake foreplay.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut.
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. A brunette, blonde, and a redhead are in third grade. Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.
Q. Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
A. They keep stepping on the strings.
Q. What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother?
A. You can negotiate with the terrorist.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.
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