Q: What's an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Q: What does an accountant use for birth control?
A: His/her personality.
Q: What's an accountant's idea of trashing his/her hotel room?
A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
Q: What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
A: Go into town and gang-audit someone.
Q: What's the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Q: What's an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humor.
Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.
Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
A: Invite an accountant.
Q: What's an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he's/she's talking to you instead of his/her own.
Q: There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
A: Those who can count and those who can't.
Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.
My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it's flat on it's back.
A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something?" "No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?" The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.
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