How to Cut Costs

Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.

TRANSPORTATION: Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strongly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips. Bus transportation will be used whenever possible. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

LODGING: All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks and parking lots should be used for temporary lodging sites.

MEALS: Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery chains such as Piggly Wiggly stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should seek establishments offering all you can eat salad bars. This will be especially cost-effective for employees traveling together, as a single plate can be used to feed an entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, pork-n-beans, and beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.

ENTERTAINMENT: Entertainment while on travel is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer contacts, the customer should be encouraged to pick up the tab. The hospitality provided to our customers who visit our facility should also be tasteful, yet cost-effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot near the dumpster, and a garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshment can be provided for our guests.

MISCELLANEOUS: All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travelers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits. I trust that all employees will join us in finding ways to cut costs and make ever increasing amounts of profit for the Company.