Workplace Humor
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Absenteeism
Accountant Jokes
Airline Agent
Reservations of an Airline Agent
Big Business
Blow Job
The Bricklayer
Creation - One Version
Creation - Another Version
Death of Employees
Development Status
Sleeping on the Job
Best resignation letter ever!
WorkPoop!
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Genesis
Inclement Weather Policy
Jellyfish Incident
Three Minute Management Lesson
The Manager and the Engineer
Miass
No Ears!
Notice to cut Costs
Unemployment Office
The Sahara Forest
The Toolroom Girl
Official Slap your Co-Worker Day
How to Properly Place new Employees |
| Standing around the water cooler was Bob again. He said. "My wife left me a note saying I should try out for that TV show, 'American Idle' But the joke is on her because she spelled it wr-- hey, wait a minute!" |
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"I'M GOING TO BE A BUILDER WHEN I GROW UP"
Did you hear about little Jimmy? He is four years old. He was bugging his mother, so she said "Jimmy why don't you go across the street and watch the Builders work. Maybe you'll learn something."
Jimmy was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned.
Jimmy replied "well first you put the God Damn door up. Them the Son of a Bitch doesn't fit, so you have to take the Cocksucker down. Then you take a Cunt Hair off each side and put the Mother Fucker back up."
Jimmy's Mother said "you wait until your Dad comes home!"
When Jimmy's Dad got home, his Mother told him to ask Jimmy what he had learned across the street. Jimmy told him the whole story. His Dad said "Jimmy, you go outside and get a switch."
Jimmy replied "Fuck you, that's the Electrician's job!!!" |
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee. The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee. The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
"Me in training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit and disappear for rest of the day". |
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To: All Employees
Restroom Use Policy
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective July 1, 1995, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and insuring equal treatment of all employees. Under the policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty (20) Restroom Trip Credits. Restroom Trip Credits can be accumulated from month to month.
Within two weeks, the entrance to all restrooms will be equipped with personnel identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of June, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Slot Department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of June. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.
If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance is zero, the doors to the restrooms will not be unlocked for that employee's voice until the first day of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls will be equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken. The picture will then be posted on the Bulletin Board by Security. Anyone's picture showing up three times will be immediately terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions. |
EARLY RETIREMENT PROGRAM
Under this plan, older employees will be placed on early retirement, thus creating opportunities for the brilliant young people who are presently stifled and who represent the future of the Company.
The program to retire older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year will become effective immediately. The program is named RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early.)
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs within the Company, provided that while they are being RAPED they request a review of their employment status before actual retirement. This phase of the operation is titled SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may apply for a final review. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Program policy dictates that employees may be RAPED once and SCREWED twice but may get the SHAFT as many times as the Company deems appropriate.
Thank You.
Department Heads: Post copies of this notice in all work areas. |
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Little Johnny was hanging around the house one afternoon, just generally aggravating his mother. Finally she said, "Why don't you go next door and watch the carpenters build the new house? Maybe you'll learn something." Johnny went out and returned an hour later.
Mom asked, "Well, did you learn anything?"
Johnny replied, "Yep, sure did. First you cut the fuckin' 2 X 4 and it's too short, so you throw it in the scrap pile and get another one. The next one is crooked as a pig's dick, so you throw that one in the scrap pile and get another one. You cut that one and it's just a red cunt hair too long, so you have to trim it up, and then it fits pussy good."
Mom was mortified. "Stop! I've heard enough! Go to your room!"
When Dad gets home from work, Mom says, "I want you the hear what Johnny learned today." She calls Johnny and has him tell Dad the story. Little Johnny just gets to the second board when Dad says, "Stop! I've heard enough. Go get me a switch."
Little Johnny says, "Fuck you! That's the electrician's job!" |
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