Dec. 14, 1990
Dear John,
I went to the door today and the Postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest Love & Devotion,
Agnes
Dec. 15, 1990
Dearest John:
Today the Postman brought your sweet gift. Just imagine. . . two turtledoves. I'm just delighted at your most thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
Dec. 16, 1990
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. . . . three French Hens! They are just darling but I must insist. . .You've been TOO kind!
Love,
Agnes
Dec. 17, 1990
Dear John:
Today the Postman delivered four Calling Birds. Now really. . . they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You are being TOO romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
Dec. 18, 1990
Dearest John:
What a surprise! ! ! Today the Postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger! You are just impossible. . .But I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. . . .
All my love,
Agnes
Dec. 19, 1990
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a laying on my front steps! So you're back to those birds again huh? Those geese are HUGE. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please Stop!
Cordially,
Agnes
Dec. 20, 1990
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's NOT FUNNY so stop with those fucking birds. O.K.???
Sincerely,
Agnes
Dec. 21, 1990
O.K. BUSTER!
I think I prefer the birds. . . What the hell am I going to do with eight Maids-A-Milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids, but they had to bring their damn cows. There's shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off
Smartass!
Agnes
Dec. 22, 1990
Hey Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine Pipers Playing and man do the play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are all upset and stomping on those birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors are trying to evict me.
You'll get yours
Agnes
Dec. 23, 1990
You Rotten Prick,
Now there's ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call them ladies. They've been balling the pipers all night. Now the cows can't sleep and furthermore, they have diarrhea. My living room is a River of Shit! I'm siccing the police on you, you BASTARD....
One who means it,
Agnes
Dec. 24, 1990
Listen Fuckhead!!!
What's with the eleven Lords-A-Leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers ran through all the maids and now are attacking the cows. All 23 birds are dead. They were trampled during the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you lousy, rotten, moth eaten Moron!!
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
Law Offices
BADGER, BENDER, & CAHOLI
Reno, Nevada
Dec. 25, 1990
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve Fiddlers Fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes Holstein. Her destruction was, of course, total. All correspondence on this subject should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Holstein at Lakes Crossing Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. We have sworn out a warrant for your early arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender & Caholi Attorneys
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