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The holiday season officially
begins on Thanksgiving and, while it is a fun and festive time, it can be
stressful with friends and or family. Here are some helpful tips on how to
make it through the holidays a little less stressfully....
Even if the turkey is a little dry, ease up on the "Thanks for the Turkey
Jerky, bitch." cracks.
Don't let Uncle Louie have too many cocktails and pull his annual
tampon-in-the-cranberry-sauce joke.
Always think before you speak. For example, if you want a drink, just say to
your host, "Gosh, I am a little parched, could I have an adult beverage?"
Don't say "Jesus H, Mary and Joseph, who the hell do I have to frickin' blow
to get a damn cocktail?"
When in doubt, talk about football. Nobody gets in an argument when you talk
about football. Unless of course it is my crazy cousin, Dwayne, who is a
die-hard Oakland Raider fan. If there is one thing Oakland Raider fans have
in common, besides infected tattoos, it is that they can't take a joke about
what a lousy joke their slimy, sleazy, crappy football team has become, and,
I swear-to-god, Dwayne, if you throw another beer bottle at me, I will get
in the car and ride over that pile of crap you call a Harley.
Start a sweet tradition, like passing a little silver bell, everyone takes
turns ringing it and then they say what they are thankful for. Stop the
tradition of everyone passing gas and everyone else slugging them for it.
When your guests start to have a little too much to drink, make sure they
don't take off their shirts. If the show "Cops" has taught us anything, it
is most ugly domestic disputes occur with guys who are not wearing shirts.
Play festive music like Nat King Cole's Christmas album. Do not play Master
P's "Do you Think" which features the lyrics; "If you don't bring back my
m****f*****n money or my m***f****n dope, you can forget about Christmas
n***a, cause you ain't gon even see New Years."
And last, whether it turned out or not, your host put a lot of effort into
cooking the big dinner. Thank her graciously and try not repeat any of what
you said last year when you asked her if you could borrow a time machine so
you could go back and keep her parents from ever mating so nobody has to
experience anything as awful as this meal ever again.
Hope these little happy holiday hints help harvest a hearty and healthy
Turkey Day. Have a Happy and Merry Thanksgiving!
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